I Can’t Escape

this is gonna take awhile… I can’t escape my past, and yet I’m terrified of my future. I suffered through 16 years of a severely abusive childhood, ending in my father committing suicide in 2000; it left me with a paralyzing fear of abandonment, making it next to impossible for me to connect with anyone. I met the girl that I would marry in march of 2000, just 2 weeks before my father died; we just had our first child in February of this year – and here’s where the future comes into play. I’ve been subconsciously pushing away from my wife for the last 3 years, and now I’m doing it to my son – I’m just so terrified to lose them, I don’t know what I would do. This has single-handedly destroyed my relationship… my wife can’t stand to be around me anymore because I’m never happy, and my son cries whenever I hold him because he can sense the fear. This has sent me spiraling into suicidal depression… I don’t want to die because I want to be there for my son, but I can’t live with this pain any longer – I am constantly haunted by my past, as well as haunted by the thought that one day I will lose everyone that I love. I will wait until my wife and son are asleep, and just cry for hours, begging God to just take me and my son, to let us die together so I can escape this living hell I’ve created for myself, and be with him in a place where there is no pain… I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for here, whether it be an answer or justification; I feel like my head is going to explode, from the images of everything bad that could happen to my Connor when I’m not around that constantly fill my head, to the fact that my wife told me to my face that she doesn’t love me anymore, and if there was a way for her to go back, she would never meet me… I just want the pain to stop.