What scares me the most is that after all of these years, I take a rather pragmatic approach to determining the value of my life.Â I am 29 years old and will turn 30 in a couple of months.
My financial situation worsened as a result of bad familial circumstances.Â I no longer see a way out.Â It seems life will always be a constant struggle because of the long-term impact of my choices.Â I am so tired of struggling that I cannot justify choosing a lifetime of struggle, which is more than likely my future.
Throughout my 20s I lived with abusive alcoholics.Â I still live with an alcoholic mother.Â They went into foreclosure, and I bought a home for them to move into.Â I could not afford the home but had good credit and stated my income.Â Like a fool, I was so co-dependent and guilted myself into a very bad decision.
The home is in a small town and needs repair.Â I cannot sell it.Â To make matters worse I owe $60,000 in student loan debt and have a post-graduate education.Â I work 30 hours per week at $9 an hour.Â Â I am from a bigger area, but I live here now… There are few jobs that would pay much more than that in this area.Â
I’m here for someone I love who I thought would have asked me to marry him by now.Â He reassures me he will.Â Â I suspect he stalled because I have been so depressed and difficult.
I have to put on an act with him otherwise my depression upsets him.Â I just feel life has spiraled out of control and I will never get out of this financial mess.Â He is helping me.Â If we do not get married, I know I will not be able to make it on my own.
I know a lot is my fault.Â I feel things have gotten so bad I will never pull myself up again.