Hi, my name’s John.Â I’ll have to start from the beginning for this to make sense.
I’ve been suicidal for a while.Â I’m 18 now, and I’ve been thinking about killing myself since I was about 16.Â See the thing is…I think I may have screwed myself over.
It started off with the usual stuff, depression, thoughts of suicide, we’ve all heard the initial story.Â So anyway I got put on medication, 20 milligrams Lexapro for about 2 weeks.Â No change at all.Â I also got set up with a therapist, but I wasn’t learning anything that I hadn’t already analyzed myself so I cut the sessions off.Â A week before I ended things with the therapist, I started cutting myself.Â First it was light cuts on my left arm and right leg, but eventually at one point I was literally stabbing my butterfly knife through the first layer of skin on my leg and dragging it across.Â I got, for some reason, happy and possibly a feeling of relief when I saw the blood gushing down my leg.Â I did this every two nights for about a 2 weeks.Â The scars are still there, but I’m not surprised and I don’t really care.
Then I tried to kill myself.Â not pills, not hanging, I don’t have access to a gun or i’d almost certainly be dead by now.Â I slit my left wrist.Â While this may seem inadequate, my plan was to slice open the initial layer of skin and thread a bicycle pump needle in between my tendons into the artery in my wrist.Â I got past the initial skin layer…there was a lot of blood even then…I remember smiling, the pain washing over me and I felt relaxed.Â I saw a bit of membrane or muscle…couldn’t tell which for sure…pulsating with the artery just underneath it.Â I took the needle and tried to stab it into the artery, but it hurt so much that I almost blacked out before I gave up, slit my wrist some more, and lay there on my bed with my blood soaking the carpet to the left of my bed.
since then, i’ve been obsessed with death.Â Also my emotions: gone.Â Most of my family sucks, but I like my dad and if he died tomorrow I know I wouldn’t shed a damn tear.Â so again.Â I hate this.Â What the hell is happening? does this get any better?