“I’m bored with it all “was winston churhill’s last words before he died, I dont need to save the world to realize how boring and sick it is, ive had my share.
you know, since the first day i remember, as far as memory stretches, not one day has passed that i didnt remind myself that tomorrow, is gonna be a better day, I’m 24 now, and I guess I finally figured, its not.
Maybe its the sense of belonging that I miss, people find it wierd, i was raised in a perfect family, in a perfect environment, good grades, good schools, good job, if you met me by chance,you’d probably be fooled too that I’m one of the luckiest guys, but take a walk inside, no one can see through my eyes, I can see through most people, I understand what they’re thinking and I’m always right, maybe that might sound arrogant, but its not, its just how I learned things. Now, why am I like this? Why can’t I ever belong? simple, I’m not designed to live in this place, my interests are not in this world, things like true love, faith, belief, hard and honest work, I cant.. even when i try, i cant do otherwise, n what do i do? hurtmyself over n over again for people that are not worth it, I had a gf I loved, her life was crap, I was there, I gave her all she ever needed to get out of it, I was the one in her darkest hours, what did i get? not even a word of grartitude, she just went on with her life cuz I was.. I dunt even know, she just wasnt there one day, and now, im dating others, n so she is, but it hurts me, i dunt love who i’m with, im distant from family, n this lonliness and the fake mask i wear to everybody else is just tearing me apart, I miss her everyday, and today is our aniversary, n I cant help if to think if shes thinking of me, truth is probably shes out having fun with some guy in a dark alley, i still remember how cold it ended, i still remember how i fell that night cuz i couldnt stand, i stil remember being in the hospital for 2 month out of being ill, i still remember insomnia, i still remember all the pain, but its gone now, its been a year were done, we run seperte lives and thats how the story goes. further more, its not cuz of her, its cuz i didnt fail true love, but true love failed me.
Over the years my parents lost my trust, my friends lost my trust, n worst of all, god has lost my trust. why, why on earth did he create all this? its a sick game, lets begin with 2 options, 1. god has created the world, 2. it just happened by some coincedence, for option number one, i refuse to be in a sick game for someone to watch n laugh about people killing each other n starving to death n being hurt everyday, its a vicious circle n we all know it, every empire fell, every story died, everything ends n it never ends in a good way, if u love her n she dies/leaves ur scarred forever, n if u marry her be sure ull be bored of her before u die, its one hell of a sick game i dunt wana be apart of, option number 2? i refuse to be an animal eitehr, id rather be dust. Nihilism, the word that describes my state, n it didnt come over night, its the result of days n days of purposelessness, if thats even a word, its all in vain, I dunt want to be a part of this world
so the finale? I cant commit suicide, ive 2 very loving parents n its unfair i do that to them being thier only son, and honostly spoken I dont wanna die, Ive just reached a state where its the only solution, n I’m a man who does whats in his head, death is my purpose, n I’m gonna achieve it sooner rather than later.
You’ll c me in your dreams, as the guy who made it to the other side n never regereted. peace.