So, I’ve been feeling like shit for the past 15 years of my life.. that’s since I was about 6 or 7. I have a mum who puts me down constantly, I was bullied at school and made to feel constantly not good enough by everyone. I know it’s just my way of thinking, but I seriously think my friends would be better off without me moping around feeling sorry for myself. Up until now it has been my friends that have kept me alive, that convinced me to go to University and do something with my life.
I chose clinical psychology as my course, that would lead to a career as a therapist for people with mental health problems. I thought it would help me understand more about myself. Instead it just convinced me that everything is bullshit, and the more I think about my future, the bleaker it looks and the more I think “I can’t be arsed with it.”
I never asked to be born, I wish I hadn’t been. So last night I took a long walk down some dark country roads, I wanted to clear my head, and deep down I was hoping something bad would happen to me, like getting hit by a car or even better being murdered. That never happened, but I had taken out a nice little collection of ibuprofen that I’ve been stocking up. I took them all on the walk back home, and now it turns out that the amount I took will do little more than make me feel sick or drowsy.
I don’t know why I felt a need to share this.. I’m just sick of it. I’m ready for things to end. I would feel guilty about leaving my friends and family behind, but I’d be dead so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.
I can imagine my mum asking me how I could be so selfish, but all my life all I’ve done is try and make everyone else happy. Why can’t I do this one thing for me?
My friend who’s trying to help me told me that I should make lists of things that I want, things that I can achieve. He said that even if I don’t have a long term plan, just doing little things for myself will help. I know it wasn’t his intention, but ever since he said that, the only long term goal I can think of is killing myself. It’s the one thing I want to do for myself. Usually I think about all the consequences it would have, but now I just feel like I can go out and do it and not really care at all. I took a decent amount of pills last night, I haven’t been to the doctors because I’m hoping that they’ll still do some damage. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning.