So, I’ve been feeling like shit for the past 15 years of my life.. that’s since I was about 6 or 7. I have a mum who puts me down constantly, I was bullied at school and made to feel constantly not good enough by everyone. I know it’s just my way of thinking, but I seriously think my friends would be better off without me moping around feeling sorry for myself. Up until now it has been my friends that have kept me alive, that convinced me to go to University and do something with my life.
I chose clinical psychology as my course, that would lead to a career as a therapist for people with mental health problems. I thought it would help me understand more about myself. Instead it just convinced me that everything is bullshit, and the more I think about my future, the bleaker it looks and the more I think “I can’t be arsed with it.”
I never asked to be born, I wish I hadn’t been. So last night I took a long walk down some dark country roads, I wanted to clear my head, and deep down I was hoping something bad would happen to me, like getting hit by a car or even better being murdered. That never happened, but I had taken out a nice little collection of ibuprofen that I’ve been stocking up. I took them all on the walk back home, and now it turns out that the amount I took will do little more than make me feel sick or drowsy.
I don’t know why I felt a need to share this.. I’m just sick of it. I’m ready for things to end. I would feel guilty about leaving my friends and family behind, but I’d be dead so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.
I can imagine my mum asking me how I could be so selfish, but all my life all I’ve done is try and make everyone else happy. Why can’t I do this one thing for me?
My friend who’s trying to help me told me that I should make lists of things that I want, things that I can achieve. He said that even if I don’t have a long term plan, just doing little things for myself will help. I know it wasn’t his intention, but ever since he said that, the only long term goal I can think of is killing myself. It’s the one thing I want to do for myself. Usually I think about all the consequences it would have, but now I just feel like I can go out and do it and not really care at all. I took a decent amount of pills last night, I haven’t been to the doctors because I’m hoping that they’ll still do some damage. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning.
1 comment
Well, you’re certainly right. From the sounds of it, your friend had no intention of putting that thought into your head. And anyone who’s ever taken a general psych or philosophy class will tell you that those courses makes them feel even more insignificant about their existence. I wouldn’t let that experience be an eye-opener or feel as though you have a greater understanding of anything.
I’m not going to tell you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior or write you some sob story.. I’m personally an athiest, and from the sounds of it, you are, too. However, just because you feel you’ve reached the pinnacle of your life and realized you’re better off dying just shows how much you haven’t lived your life. You haven’t cried, laughed, loved, or learned enough to realize what your “purpose” is.
I know you know about medication and all of these other forms of self-help. Just know that when you’re medically getting help, you’re correcting a chemical imbalance..a physical abnormality in your nervous system that reduces your happy-go-lucky feeling neurotransmitters. as you should know from your studies. As you already know..
Just realize that yes, you would be hurting your family and everyone around you, and that you just have to trust the people around you. You may have hereditary depression from your mother; if she’s always putting you down, perhaps that’s her way of coping. Assumptions aside, I think you simply need to find a way to feel better about yourself. Stop looking for what’s wrong in your life, and seek out what’s been right. When you start doing more things for yourself than thinking of other…BESIDES killing yourself, you’ll start to realize that you’re not obliged to carry on in life as only some servant to making others happy. Doing something you’ve always wanted. Quit your job, volunteer somewhere, do SOMETHING that makes you feel happy; because right now, you’re jeopardizing your life just by taking the existentialist path, and you have so much more ahead of you in life ahead.. You don’t even know.
I hope that this gives you some perspective, though.
Best of luck,
Dan