it not about me

in all reality when i try and think of the reason i am suicidal i can’t think of anything. im 19 years old, i still live with my parents, i dont have a job, and the love of my life is with someone else. to me none of this in context gives me any right to feel bad for myself or dare i say kill myself concidering the hardships majority of the people on here go though. i want to do it becasue i hurt her. i left her when she needed me and im never going to forgive myself for it. if it would take it back i would kill myself a thousand times over, but it wont. if she didnt still love me id be gone right now but i cant do that to her. its even more selfish then what i did in the first place yet its all i can think about. im scared but not for me. i know id be happier dead or if anything not sad, but i cant do that to her. i know she would think it was because of her.