I can’t help it. So much pressure. It feels too much. I hear on the internet of people who commit suicide, leaving their family and friends behind., and I cant help but feel jealous. They took the chance they had, they had the guts to do it. And I wish I were them. To be the one laying in the coffin, buried under the ground. To have taken too many pills or drained all the blood from my body.
Throughout the day, I find different ways of how to kill myself, accidents or self-lead, and all bring a smile to my face. but I just cant bring myself to do it. The best thing in the world for me, was to leave everything behind. End the feeling of uselessness, for nothing is going right and hasnt since I can remember. Nothing is ever going to get better, only worse. And it seems thats the only way it goes.
But, who will I actually leave behind? Who will attend my funeral? Who will miss me? Cry for me. Reach for my lifeless body. NEED me. I want to end it all, my pain, lonliness, my suffering.
Will everyone I know be happy when I’m gone and forgotten? I dont care. Or do I, and i have just forgotten who I am?
2 comments
I kinda started a discussion on this general topic if you wanna take a look:
http://suicideproject.org/2010/10/this-feeling-the-numbness/
Also i’m in the same situation you’re in. I imagine myself falling a hundred stories or slitting my wrists in a warm tub and watch with a half smile on my face and peace in my eyes as the water turns red as my life slips away. I do envy those other people, tremendously.
Unfortunately for me, I’m a curious person. I’m partially curious about my future, which unfortunately means I can’t kill myself or else I won’t be able to satiate my desire to know what lies ahead. and it tears me apart every single god damn day.
I’ve forgotten who I am. I don’t care, I don’t want to know who I was. I was a happy, ignorant, blissful idiot. Is this better than being fully informed that this world is a complete crapfest and that whoever can get out of it the fastest is lucky? I honestly don’t know. They say knowledge power, I politely but fervently disagree. Knowledge is the loss of innocence and the adaption of rational terrors.
It’s so funny you should mention jealousy. It’s so weird isn’t it being jealous of someone who has died! That’s the opposite of what everyone else in the world is feeling isn’t it!? When I have seen someone dying on tv sometimes I thought “lucky them, what a relief for them”. And then I think “how weird am I for having that thought”. But I guess it’s just a thought and my real desire is to be free from pain not to be dead. And maybe I can keep working toward relieving myself of the pain with help from my counsellor and people who understand and accept and care. There is a way out other than dying. It’s taken me a while to work through the darkest feelings and thoughts but I have found light and continue to look for it every day.