Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. This will be the first time that I’ve let out everything that’s been going on with me for the past few years. I hope what I say makes sense; I’ll do my best to make it as comprehendible as possible, but please bear with me because it’s a lot to let out, and I’ve never done anything like this.
To begin, I’m a Junior in Highschool. Female. Towards the second half of 8th grade, I became bulimic. I’m not sure how that happened. I was never overweight. I was thin, but not stick thin. I didn’t suffer from severe self esteem problems, or anything that you’d usually expect to lead a teen to develop an eating disorder. In retrospect, I think I started bingeing and purging at first just because I thought it was interesting that I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining extra weight. I always said to myself “I’m not bulimic…I can control myself. I can stop whenever I want. I’m just doing it because I want to.” Oh boy was I wrong. I’ve been living with the same eating disorder ever since.
Looking back, I had a great first year of high school. I made a lot of new friends (among them one of my current best friends), my grades were good, and I discovered my skill at track and field. It was during the second half of my sophomore year, continuing up until now (Junior year), that my problems escalated.
I bet my eating disorder contributed to it, but I started suffering from self esteem issues. On some days I would be really happy, but on others (I never knew when to expect these days) it got to the point where I was so upset that it scared the heck out of me. The smallest, stupidest of things would make me doubt my friends, myself, etc. etc. I would sit in my room and cry because I didn’t know how to let out my emotions in any other way. I tried to cut myself once, but I didn’t do it because I was afraid of the pain it would cause. I hope I’ll never see the day when I’d gladly accept the pain of cutting myself over the emotional pain in my life.
Now fast forwarding to this year, and how I’m feeling now. Oh and by the way…if you’re still reading this, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Thanks for bearing with me 🙂 Well, let’s just say things started to get more complicated this year. I started going out with a great guy when school first started. Naturally, he makes me happy, and I thought my self esteem issues would get better. But they haven’t. Or I don’t know. My issues have changed, but I still have issues.
Just a few hours ago, I was sitting in my room thinking of ways to end my life. I considered overdosing on pills, though I’ve heard that that isn’t a very effective method. I considered hanging myself also. I’m really afraid that I’ll hurt people by killing myself. I mean, I’ve heard so many times that by committing suicide you’re hurting those around you, but I’ve constantly told myself that “no one really cares”. But I know that’s a stupid thought, because even if it’s just my parents, I’d be hurting them. I also constantly think about who will be the one to find my body. I really don’t want it to be someone that I know, or someone who cares about me.
I don’t know if I’m still making any sense. My mind is kind of a muddled mess right now. I’m trying to get everything out, but I don’t think that’s possible. I think I’ve done an okay job giving you all an overview of what’s been going on with me right now though.
But yeah. Anything would help. Comments, advice, etc. I really appreciate it.
Thanks for reading.
4 comments
hi there,
i read everything and i just want to commend you for getting that all out. i hope you feel better, if just a bit. please… PLEASE don’t kill yourself. i’m no good at giving advice, but i created an account just to talk to you to tell you this. i’m here because my mom committed suicide 6 months ago and it is HELL. IT IS HELL. please don’t ignore your pain for so long that you feel the only option is to give up. do you have anyone at all you can talk to? the school counselor maybe? if not, can you order some books about bulimia or depression to read?
Thanks, giaadele 🙂
Just the fact that you read all of that makes me feel a lot better. I bet you’ve heard this a lot, but I’m really sorry about your mom. I can imagine what it must be like. If you want to talk or anything, I’m a good listener. I’d like to ask you questions about it, because obviously I’m curious (due to my condition), but I completely understand if you don’t want to talk about it. I’m feeling a lot better now as compared to yesterday (this happens though, after periods when I’m really down, my mood slowly climbs back up again -.-), but my mind is clear, and I know that deep inside, I don’t have what it takes to end my life. Perhaps that’s a good thing. There’s just too many things in this world that I don’t want to give up…too many things and people that I love, and wouldn’t dream of hurting. Sadly, I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can talk to at the moment. I have trust issues :/ But people like you give me hope 🙂 And I’m going to do my best to be optimistic and hope that some day soon I’ll be able to wrack up enough courage in myself to go seek help. For now, I’m going to hang in here.
Thanks a lot though. You have no idea what it means to me that someone actually took time out of their day to read my post and respond.
sure, i’d love to talk to you! i’m about your age; i’m 19. can i have your email address? i’ll send you an email right now.
My e-mail is joneeyy@yahoo.com
Thanks again!