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Type 1 Diabetes (3-4 shots a day for life), Clear Cell Meningioma, Internal pain, constant mental anguish over what I was SUPPOSED to be and what I am not.
Sure the mental anguish is not a physical problem but it will be when it ends up being the driving force behind me making my exit from this bullshit life. The other problems are in fact my own body turning on itself (pancreas decided to attack itself when I was 15 and therefore left me a hardcore diabetic for life (I am a chicken shit about needles and I knew the day I found out that I was diabetic that there is no way I will be able to live this way for long). You see, I am a little dude (5’5″ 125lbs)Â with NO excess fat in which to take my shots, so after 14 years…..the needles are taking a physical toll on my body. As if my body turning on itself in this way was not bad enough……when I was 28 I found out why I had been having the worst headaches EVER for at least three years………I had a HUGE Clear Cell Meningioma in my head. My body had turned on itself AGAIN! I should have been dead simply due to the fact that the doctors failed me so horribly that it was big enough to kill me (and the fact that I was rollin on Ecstasy just weeks before I found out about the tumor) but I lived and my dumb ass went and had it removed. I went a little nuts on the Morphine after the 5 hour brain surgery and tried to remove all of my IV’s AND my catheter!!! wanna talk about fuckin PAIN!!! any guy here knows or at least has an idea how BAD that shit hurt!! the whole experience fucked me up mentally and I WISH that I could have just left the fuckin tumor alone and died from it. Not long before I even knew I had a tumor…….my internals (on my right side) started to hurt allot and it still hurts to this very day. The doctors say “we can’t find anything wrong” and I have heard that shit before (I had a huge tumor in my head) so I feel like my body is saying “fuck you!!! give up fucker!” Ironic how your body and mind are two separate entity’s even though they occupy the same space. I will have the last laugh though, whether it be a shotgun blast to the heart or a plastic bag with helium over the head…….I WILL DIE, fuck this body (earthly vessel) and this bullshit life. I don’t know what the other side is like but at this point I don’t care. I spend way too much time thinking about being dead that I don’t really live.