I have suffered depression my whole life, when i was a child my mother and my 3 brothers and myself were beaten
When my I was 13 my mum and dad divorced and things were ok then my dad met a new woman and remarried, he dissapeared the last thing he said to me was ” your mother cheated on me you are not my daughter and I dont love you”
After that i didnt see him for 3 years until I was 16. He still said i wasnt his and he still believes it now. I no longer talk to my father we have not spoken in 4 years.
I have very hard trouble trusting people so when I meet them I put up a hard exterior and I come out as a *****. After I get to know someone and I let my gaurd down I am the best friend u will ever meet, I will do anything for a mate, and I try my hardest to please people even if it doesnt work in my favour. So growing up I let the wrong people in and I end up getting hurt.
Throughout high school I was your typical depressed kid I smoke I drank and I did drugs, I also cut myself the physical pain helped me keep my head clear cos I felt I deserved it.
When I was 14 I met my husband Chris, and we became best friends we were both virgins together we have had 2 perfect daughters together and we r married. We have the perfect image of love and commitment from the outside.
But even though I have all that I still under the surface am suffering from depression. I still have thoughts of cutting myself and I still have suicidal feelings and thoughts I would dream about ways to kill myself and instead of being scared when I would wake up I would be happy.
When I was 17 years old before I had my first daughter I had a miscarriage it was a partically bad one worse than the average. not only was I very young but I was 17 weeks pregnant when my body showed the first signs of miscarriage, I had a ultrasound and the doctors told me my baby died at 9 weeks, so I had a dead fetus inside me for 2 mths before I found out. it screwed with my already fragile mind.
After the loss of my baby I went even deeper into depression and my fiance Chris wanted to leave me as he felt it was my fault which was his way of feeling sad about the baby passing. because of all of this I tried to kill myself I jumped in front of a car during a fight with my partner one day. I got taken to hospital and my mother took me back to her house to stay for a week until I got mentally healthy enough to move back with my partner.
Through the years my relationship with my husband has decreased Chris started to hit me on the odd occasion, he never beat me like my dad did but he would hit me. he did it right up until 6 mths ago when he stopped as he picked up a kitchen chair and he hit me with it. after that he stopped hurting me physically.
Everyday he puts me down he calls me down and he says im a useless fat fucking ugly ***** and he owuld be better off if i went to hell and i should go fuck myself.
with all of my feelings that I have had through out my life I feel worthless, I am a useless waste of space every day I need to think of at least one reason not to die that at leastthere is one reason that i belong apart of this world.
I dont have one reason to live, I have 2. Arwyn my 5 year old, and Ariarna my 1 year old daughters. without them I would not be here writing this letter right now. Without them I would feel 100% useless and ready to leave this world.
My daughters r my saviours they r my angels, my daughters r my heroes, my daughters SAVE MY LIFE EVERYDAY!!
6 comments
Dear ariarwyn,
it makes me cry reading your post.
You may not want to hear this, but leave your husband! He abused you physically, and now he is abusing you psychologically, from what you have been writing. I have been there, for 12 long years, I know how it feels. Because you also have been beaten as a kid you probably think this kind of behaviour is normal, or that you just have to put up with it, or that you deserve it, or it’s your fault, but it’s not!!!!
You are certainly not worthless, the way you talk about your kids, your angels, you are a very loving person, it is the abuse and the depression that make you feel that way. Get help, there are organisations for abused women, talk to them, get out! You may think it’s only words, but they can hurt more than beatings, they can destroy our souls.
11 years after I left him, I am still battling the after effects (PTSD etc) but only because nobody opened my eyes earlier that what I had suffered was in fact abuse. With help you can turn around your life much faster, and you will not only live because you owe it to your children, but you will live because you are strong and happy.
from reading this, it seems like your life was very difficult. and when i read this i wanted to cry. just by the sound of this letter you wrote it shows you are strong and you fought for you life like i am right now. even tho i dont know you i believe everyone has a reason to live. if it was your time to go it would happen by nature. i have scars up and down my arms. legs. stomach ankles. everywhere because i wanted to kill myself when that didnt work i wanted to die. i tied a rope around my neck and to the porch and i jumped off. i almost succeeded, until my neighbor saved me, i have major depression as well but i hope you know that you are worth everything and your kids will need you through every moment of their life.
Thank you for your time.
Dear girl
I am torn to pieces on reading your words. I am shattered in sadness. I beg you that you love yourself because you are a wonderful beautiful person. The pain and unfairness you have gone through, the injustice and the evil of the two bastards that had been your male companions is beyond description, but believe me, there is, there is, there is somewhere a tender, good natured, loving man who would be awful happy to meet you and care for you. Therefore, stick to find him. You deserve it above anyone in the world. I mean, I had met you, I would have treated you with enormous kindness at least so that you recover the faith that somewhere there are good people around. I dont understand how you could have sticked to that bastard of your husband. You should have sued him. I would have crushed his mouth with a baseball bat only for insulting you. So, you have your 2 beautiful loving girls, you need to leave your bad companies and look for a kind, educated, soft spoken man.
hugs
If you ever need any advice on what to do, heres where to contact me
huyhuy121@aim.com
I feel the same as you. I have a 3 yr old son, and another son due in 3 weeks. My relationship with my husband (also named chris) is going down. Weve split up 2 times in the past year, we miscarried a child in Feburary @ 14 weeks gestation.
I too was a cutter for years, and fight daily to not cut again.
I feel my husband hates me so much, and I hate me too.
I honestly do not want to live anymore. But I cant do anything bc of my boys.
And I feel I cant tell anyone how i feel bc they would take my kids away from me.
I know in my heart I could never leave them behind to wonder what happpened, and possibly feel its thier fault… So Ill suffer in silence and findjoy is watching them grow up…
Hope you find joy, and I hope I do to.
Hi Baby, Just want to strt off by saying im sorry for all the things Ive put you through. We have been through alot together and im sure we are Both hurt by the others stupid mistakes. I LOVE YOU so much and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I do not and will never hate you! there have been some things that happened but if you love me the way I love you then we can make it work please dont forget that!