My Life in a Nutshell

I just want to tell my story, I don’t care if it never gets published, but I think it will, it’s the suicide press, no kids stuff here.
I guess it started about nine or ten months ago, I was on my first date, when he kissed me. Then I started to get all these horrible flashbacks. It was like being in a horror movie or a thriller. I ran out the cinema’s and I couldn’t go back in. Later, bit by bit, I started to get my memory back. Every time I did, it was like little glass shards poking into my brain. I remembered once when I was six or seven or maybe younger and one of my parents friends was drying me off with a towel. He then let his hand slip and I felt this burning pain and then I felt so much shame. Then, when I was older this kid led me to a back area or a back fence and I remember the burning pain their too but this time it was bigger.
A couple of years ago, I was sitting in this christmas party and this older guy, maybe thirty to my twelve, started to touch me. This time it was just around my chest area, I wanted to scream or something but I couldn’t, I couldn’t fight back either. I hate myself, sometimes I want to grab a carving knife and cut myself open. It feels like it was my fault, they were so much stronger but I could’ve done something else, I could’ve screamed louder I could’ve kicked harder I could have done something to make it stop but it didn’t.
So I guess it is true, cry until you’ve got nothing wet, scream until your lungs burst, pray to whatever God you believe in and it wont do a goddamn thing. I keep regressing, I’m living my life in this bubble, I act happy at school but anything can set me off. I don’t like discussing my problems, its not something someone signs up for, so that’s why I’m doing this. Maybe if someone listen, if someone knows why I’m not myself then I can get better. If I can’t, I’m not sure what I’ll do.