I won’t go into detail as to what brought me to seriously consider suicide lately, save to say a poster in a hospital room helped me to visually gauge my pain:
http://www.carolinashospital.com/_img/patient-info/reference-library/pain_chart.gif
Though meant to gauge physical pain, I used it to guage my emotional pain….and I was right there…between numbers 9 & 10.
(Matter of fact – I envisioned a red zone in between those two numbers and entitled it:Â “The Danger Zone.”)
It scared me. Scared me because, though many times in the past I have contemplated suicide….it was never quite to this serious, profound degree and this scared me. Scared me enough to know that I could have done it, I would have done it (and NOT botched it up ~) Only….I didn’t do it.
In the days that followed, I noticed my depression had lifted considerably. I was not confused or anxious and even noticed that I was generally, overall, not depriving myself of small pleasures like I normally have done my whole life.
Why was this, I wondered? What is this new, awkward feeling?
After a couple of hours, it dawned on me what it was:  I was feeling was proud of myself. Imagine that? Feeling proud of myself!
I also came to realize just how sad it was that feeling proud of myself was such a new feeling for me….but that even still, sad and sombering as that is – this did not overshadow my new theory that I do not believe that one can feel depressed and proud of oneself at the same time. That maybe there was waaaaaaay too much shame in my 50 years that I had just become so accustomed to, that I didn’t even realize that feeling proud of myself was ever an option for me – you know?
I was there….I mean….RIGHT THERE….AT THE EDGE…..and I didn’t do it.
Then you know what just sprang into my mind out of nowhere? It was a scene from the 1980’s movie: Wall Street in which the actor Hal Holbrook says:
“Man looks in the abyss, there is nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.”
I know who I am now,….really am –  deep, deep inside….and best of all, it is not influenced in any way, shape or form by anyone or anything of external means or measures and nothing NO THING or NO ONE will ever be able to take that away from me!
You know, so much of modern society is focused almost entirely on achievements and accomplishments but, in this case, it is what I did NOT achieve nor accomplish (in this particular instance) that has made all the difference and one (won) in which I am the most proud of
I am sharing my story in the hopes that it might help just one person not take that fatal leap….or at the very least, postpone this important, final and fatal decision.
1 comment
You did make the right decision, suicide should only be for people that have dealt with their issues for years and there is no other possible way to change anything. I hope your story does influence those who are thinking about suicide irrationally.