So this is it, the truth as I see it; I cannot help any of you, just as you cannot help me.
Everyone thinks I’m so much better andÂ stableÂ now than I was when I was 14, but evenÂ though it is evident that I have improved if you took away the anti-depressants that got me here then I would just crumble again. The pills don’t make me happy, they make me more balanced and stable and unfortunately I rely on that and knowing thatÂ makes me feel shit, becauseÂ it reminds me that I cannot cope on my own.Â Also I can’t tell my family about how desperate I’ve been feeling in the last three weeks and that I’ve been to the bridge over the bypassÂ onÂ numerous occasions, because it’s been that bad. I can’t explain to them the real reason that I am feeling suicidal whenÂ they just think it’s stress. I don’t want them to worry and be watching my everyÂ move like before, but I can’t live like this and I still can’t tell them, at least not until the very end when I’m gone.
I don’t belong in this world. I don’t fit in anywhere,Â not even in my own family. Rejection isÂ not unfamiliar to me and so I’ve learned to isolate myself, so that I can deal with things without hurting others andÂ that way they can’t hurt me either. Talking about it all doesn’t make itÂ go away either, so I’m just stuck in this vicious circle that is my life and even though I think I mightÂ know how to break out of it, I’m not that brave and so the only way is down. I really don’t see any hope for me and you don’t evenÂ know the half of it.
That’s why you can’t help me andÂ I can’t help you, becauseÂ you’re the only one who can break the vicious circle in your life, but you already knewÂ that. Knowing that there are other people like me in the world doesn’t make a difference it doesn’t help. I share my experiences with others when they come to me for help, because they know my history, butÂ it never really feels like I’m helping them at all.
I’m just useless, that’s my truth.