I lost my father to suicide in 1997.Â He was 84, lonely, and depressed.Â It was not a surprise to me.
I lost my son to suicide in 2007.Â He was 24, well educated, intellegent, successful, had just been promoted with the police dept he was an officer with.Â Had just bought his first house.Â And I still can’t believe it happened.
I am 47.Â I have felt different.Â Lonely, yet want to be alone.Â Always stressed, even over little things others don’t let get to them.Â I have been in therapy off and on for most of my adult life.Â I have been on many medications.Â Nothing works.Â Therapy is just sitting with someone who is being paid to act like they care, but they really don’t understand what I’m feeling, thinking, or need.Â I get more out of talking to myself than I have ever gotten from any psychologist or psychiatrist.Â I’m tired of paying money to talk to someone who can’t do anything to help.Â I’m tired of taking medications that don’t help.Â Life is what it is.Â I have nothing to live for, and therapy or medication isn’t going to change that.Â
I have looked at suicide prevention website after website, and I have yet to see anything that would give me a reason to want to live.Â I’m trying to hang in there, but I know it’s only a matter of time.Â
My purpose for writing this is to tell everyone who is involved in suicide prevention that it is not as easy as you think it is.Â I have called help lines.Â They don’t understand.Â They can read from their script, or say what they are trained to say, but that doesn’t change anything.Â I have been to support groups.Â Again, I walk out of there and back into my life, unchanged.Â I have been to doctors.Â They are all about doing what they have to do to get paid, and will listen week after week and collect their money.Â But that doesn’t help.Â Medications can put a person in a fog, or make them tired, or make them restless, but medication doesn’t change what a person has going on in their life, or how they feel about living life.Â
I know you mean well.Â But dying is the only way a person can escape the pain they feel on a daily basis.Â It really is the only thing that works.