I feel trapped here by the people who care about me. I dislike causing pain to others, even if they will die and forget all about it. Perhaps that is irrational?
So I go through the motions of life. I can’t see how this is preferable to me being dead, except for that everyone isn’t crying about it, and my household has an income. (Though were I dead, I wouldn’t have the capacity to give a crap anymore)
I see my future as hopeless. I have a son in kindergarten and another on the way in the spring. What am I to tell them? “Sons, life doesn’t matter. Do whatever you want, because you and everyone you’ll ever know are just gonna die anyway and then that’s it. I wish I were dead right now, but I’ve been guilt tripped into sticking around so far. I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. Oh, don’t cry. Look at it this way – at least you won’t have to take care of me when I’m old!” Yeah, I’m a great dad. Hooray for me still being alive, huh.
That bothers me too. I feel that I have nothing to offer the average human being. I have no regard for life, and am lazy and un-motivating. I think all I can really do is either bring other people down, or let their well meaning pity bounce off of me until they realize it’s doing no good and focus their attentions elsewhere. So that makes me want to end myself even more.
And I could change my life, try something else, but I’d have to leave my family behind (again with the hurting people), and then instead of finding another life, I’d more likely take advantage of my loneliness and broken ties to others, and just get on with dying. Maybe I’d find some morons to party with and get all smashed out on drugs first.
But for now, I stare off into nothing and wallow in misery while everyone either ignores me or does all they can to keep me from pulling the plug. I guess it’s too much to ask to just let me go.
3 comments
I totally feel you there on that first paragraph.
It’s like you need to leave, but there’s so many people that you’re hurting and you don’t want them to feel pain at your disappearance.
I’m really sorry that you’ve been roped into that kind of life. I can’t even begin to comprehend how awful it must be everyday to have to go through these thoughts and then have to appear happy for your wife and kid(s).
But just so you know, you’re welcome on here and you can always vent on here as much as you need to.
Thanks. I am getting help – whatever help there is, anyway. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist out of the same office. I’m trying antidepressants, even though I hate them and I feel like I’m attempting to reprogram myself chemically to be able to cope for the next 50+ years, just for everyone else’s sake. I wish they could just prescribe cannabis. At least I can tell when that’s working.
I’m really tired of being cynical, annoyed, sad, angry, and boring. And when I say boring, I mean to myself. I can entertain others just fine if I need to. I on the other hand am largely unimpressed with most things.
I have a feeling that one day I am going to wake up and stop caring entirely about other people, whether it’s because I’ve thought it through enough, or because of some crazy pills, or whatever. Either way, I know for sure that I am not going to be old. I’m reasonably certain my wife will die before me. Then I can go. My sons should be grown up and able to deal with it by then.
I always feel like such a bastard for saying stuff like this.
I understand. Really, I understand completely. I’m going through what you’re going through. We can trade emails if you want so we can talk more. (:
I also sincerely hope you don’t wake up and stop caring about people, because I’ve reached that point. And it’s hurting all the people I care about which in turn hurts me. You seem to have a loving family, so I’m glad you’re seeking help.
Don’t feel like a bastard.
It’s not your fault for feeling like this.
We’re both just messed up and down, and maybe things might get better if the help we need actually helps us.