pointless? perhaps

I’m new here, and still not sure why I’m posting. I can’t leave a tell-all type of suicide note in case I survive, and I have no one to talk to. I have always been a loner – everyone thought I had Asperger’s syndrome when I was a kid because I would run and hide under my bed if I had to meet new people. I guess that was the first red flag. I spent my teen years in lockdowns in Utah away from family and normal life. I never had what it took to get through school or hold down a job. Objectively, my life isn’t terrible, but it’s just too much for me. There are little things that make it unbearable, like having to think of myself as a man who has had an abortion, is stuck in a women’s college, and will probably be called “she” at his funeral. Life just feels like one long crazy speed binge, and I can’t wait to go to sleep. Although I’m perfectly capable of offing myself without help, I regret that I have to die alone. All I want is to have someone to say goodbye to, not even a suicide pact (although I’d take that too – hit me up if you’re in massachusetts). I realize after talking to a close friend that people actually will miss me, but that isn’t enough to stop me. I’m beginning to think I’ve lost touch with reality, because when people claim to be “loving” me I perceive it as some form of condescension, or think they’re out to get me. Why should I hang around this dump for people who would have left me to rot if there was no risk of anyone pointing fingers after my death? I’ll be gassing myself in a closet sealed off with duct tape because I have no other option. People might think that telling me to “hang in there” will help somehow, but that just results in a more unpleasant death. For everyone. I have to be scared and alone when I die (scared of surviving, not dying) and someone else has to deal with being traumatized by a decaying corpse.