Any time that I spend actually happy……I use to be as self destructive as possible. E.G. drinking too much, taking allot of ecstasy and other drugs. The only allure to use these avenues of self destruction is that for a little while (even if just for a few hours) I am HAPPY and I love it. I used to love doing things that did not involve drugs but I lost all that when I went blind. We all have our custom tailored prison cells and I don’t doubt anyone’s suffering but mine is so unique it’s scary and that contributes to the urge to die. NOBODY here has Type 1 (severe) diabetes, Clear Cell Meningioma, mystery internal pain AND a myriad of other mental problems. I had a better chance of being struck by lighting while being attacked by a shark then I did of getting the fucked up tumor that blinded me for life, yet here I sit……betrayed by life………
Just read your post as I sit here locked in a prison of pain. Wanting out but so long in pain can’t imagine it ending. Your prison cell could be next to mine but I don’t want to start competing!
I have central and peripheral nerve damage which is thought to be autoimmune which means I feel like my nerves are being electrocuted all the time. It starts in my head and works its way down till my whole body goes into spasm. The pain is so bad I now cry and wail openly in public so I’m a crazy wailing woman in an electric wheelchair. I have intermittent vision problems where I have tunnel vision and it’s like I’m in a tunnel looking out. And I have a problem with the limbic or fear part of my brain so I feel a sense of terror all the time which I can’t shake off.I have constant viral infections. I feel so trapped and so traumatised. I can’t tolerate medication. I have roaring tinnitus.
What the fuck are we still doing here.? My fear holds me prisoner in this body and brain of pain. They say I’ve been ‘unfortunate’. Do I stay in this world because I think this is what I’ve been dealt so I have to endure it. I don’t even want to believe this but I do.
I used to worry about dying in a plane crash and listened to the reassurances that it’s a 1 in 14 million chance. So what was the chances of me getting brain damaged from a vaccine which was the first in a series of medical catastrophes some of which were my own fault.It’s hard not to feel like I’m being punished……Is this something I chose for myself or was it chosen for me…..Is it worse to feel singled out for punishment or that life is cruel and random,,,Do you feel like you’re living in a different world just passing time till you’re released?… Does it make you enraged that the only way out seems to be to die? …Sorry for rant.. you sound like someone who knows pain. I’m writing to stay alive. I don’t know for how long more.
Hey Tish, I do feel as though this whole thing is random and people always say the same shit…..”that’s unfortunate” but really, what the fuck do they care?? they don’t have to feel the way we feel at all. They live happy lives completely ignorant of how shitty things can be for some people. I always see story’s on the news or where ever that outline “stress got you down?” and then they ask random people “what stress do you have?” and the bastards always reply dumb shit like ” traffic or kids” and I find myself yelling at the screen “WTF?!?!? those are your biggest problems???!!! try on a fuckin BRAIN TUMOR that doesn’t kill you, it just leaves you blind and so depressed you wish you had just let the tumor kill you!!!” “normal” people have it so lucky they don’t even know I swear. I don’t like thinking that this is how my life is supposed to be but it certainly seems that way. I have had panic attacks for no reason before and that shit is pure fear. The only problem with being in so much pain is that it can in fact get worse which is hard for people who don’t suffer to understand and therefore they are useless to people like us. They will never get it, nor do I really wish them to……..for I am a good person and never did anything to anyone so it’s hard to be angry at people for them NOT getting screwed out of their lives. Just know, that YES I do know what you are going through (as I am in a cell next to you) and may we see each other on the other side. I don’t know you but in some weird way our suffering binds us together. I will think of you whenever I find myself actually enjoying this life……..
I find it hard enough to come up with reasons to stick around for another day or week and I’m not fighting physical problems like you guys. I don’t know how you do it. I’ve suffered with injuries that were painful for just a few weeks at a time and it was awful. Physical pain every day of my life would have pushed me over the edge long ago. It’s amazing how strong the instinct to survive is and the shit it makes us put up with.
TheQuitter ~~ Couldnt have said it better myself.