Special to no one

I am 46, female, and feel exactly the same way. I have been attempting to end my life as far back as 3 yrs old, I recall trying to keep my face burried under a pillow so I could not breath, but the natural need for living won out. I have been taken by life flight to er more then 9 times, was without blood to my brain each time long enough to do a little more damage…but not enough to cure my ailment. just last week was my last failed attempt. After so many times you get pretty discusted with yourself, another reason I hate me. Then you jump back into the religion shit, well, maybe there is a place or reaqson for me to be here???? hahaha yea right. I cant figure out why I hate being alive here so damn much… its like the game pitfall, you can almost reach the end but if you dont hit every thing just right you automatacly get jammed to the start of the game to do every fkn move over exactly the same.. the more I am alive the more I despise the start of the journy, dont you think it would be tourcher to birth again with awareness of the future? ever see an infant try to suicide? or is that crib death? I know that I am on my own, I honestly believe no one will bother to read this post, I am too normal and boring in my insainty, my mental health….like I am the only .one with the best car in town but to lazy to learn how to drive. my neibors friend Ray needed a ride to work so I offered them my truck, I had never met ray befor so I decided to tag along. when I arrived at mikes house I was introd to the uglyiest man i had ever seen, not the kind that are so bad you just have to stare but the kind that pisses you off, his personality was everything i hated in a person, evern his voice made me want to slap someone. i was told his wife had just taken thier girls and left him for a woman wich crushed his soul and broke his heart, for some reason i found that to be the funniest thing i had ever heard, long story short i felt sorry for thislooser and did him a pitty fk one nighter and even told him so, fully expecting to feel so grosed out for the rest of my life, somethingwild happened, I ended up moving in with him that day and slowly learned that I not only needed all the crap a cant stand in my life, but I wanted it there, almost more then the rest. we arnt together today, i was dumped, but we are best friends still, i guess he was just to good for me, and now he calls me ugly. i was the last born in my family so i without choice became the baby of the family, some one had to take that spot, fill thr quotas in life, my sister was eldest, and that was finne, we all have our place, our ugly face to bear, yours just happens to be the one that was searching for a friend by leaving them all to die.hmmmmm