Hey… I’m not sure how to write this really, but here goes.
First things first, I’m a 14 year old girl and have been depressed for about 5 years now, though it was only around 2 years ago that I became really depressed. So I guess I’ll start from there.
2 years ago on 13th October my mood just completely fell and I felt so bad, I just wanted out. I wrote notes to my family and tried to kill myself (obviously, failing). I’ve not stopped wondering whether I regretted the attempt or not, but I don’t think I do.
I talk quite often with my head of year (M.L.) who for some reason, is the person who I can be most open with, despite knowing there are times where she’ll have to call my parents due to school policy. In the past year I’ve tried counselling and antidepressents. Counselling proved to be literally no use at all, if not making me worse, and antidepressants apparently worked ‘too well’ so even though I felt genuinely happy for once, that joy was short lived…
I regret telling anyone, because it’s literally as soon as my parents were involved, everything just started falling apart. By April, everything had completely messed up, and I didn’t know what to do anymore. I had another suicide attempt, and now suicide is all I can think about. I sometimes wish I didn’t have such a perfect life with amazing people, because that’s the only reason I have to live – FOR other people.
I hate having a negative impact on people in any way, whether it be making them upset, taking up their free time (Unfortunately happens often with M.L.) or making them wait for me. I know that I’ll have a negative impact on people around me, but that just makes me feel worse. It’s like, they’re the reason I feel I absoloutely have to stay. I had this horrible plan to turn ‘evil’ to everyone so no one would miss me when I was gone…
And another thing is that I can’t talk to people about how my parents and certain friends won’t keep trying to ‘get inside my head’, because I know for certain I’ll be told it’s because they care. So what’s the point in asking something I know the answer to, right?
I really don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m starting to lose confidence in my thoughts too – I don’t know whether to feel scared or excited about my cuts getting deeper, annoyed or appreciative of everyone’s help. I also am torn between a decision I have to make, of going back to counselling or not, as my teacher’s advise was to go, but she made it clear that it was solely my decision, and I can ignore her advise completely if I wished. See, the reason I’d take her advise is because she’s just spent so much time on me, and I don’t want to turn that time into ‘wasted time’, and I also don’t want to risk the possibility of her being disappointed in me but hiding it to make me feel better. The main reason I don’t want to go back is because I know that it’ll do no good. I can’t explain how I know, and I’m probably going to be told that counselling is the best option, but it’s one of those things I just really don’t want to do – I’d probably eat meat (I’m a vegetarian) than go back…
I’m just so ready to end everything, my suicide attempts are the only times I ask not to have to think of other people… I know it’s so selfish, but I’m so tired of not being able to do so many things because of what other people say and feel about it.
(Deleted my ‘life story’ part so sorry if some parts don’t make sense).