Theres a lot of things that i wish i could change or take back. But thinking the un-thinkable is not one of them. Dont tell me im crazy, or insane or wrong to be thinking about sleeping forever. im only 30% sure about it. but thats growing. i think the things keeping me from 100% are 1. leaving my family, my friends, my boyfriend(who i love so much) and 2. the fear of what happens next, after i sleep. is there a heaven? a hell? or do you just dream forever. now i know i said my family, friends, and my bf and your probably thinking you have people who love you why do you want to end it? the answer to that is school, drama, rude and mean people who make fun and talk behind others backs, it makes me sick. they must know what theyre doing but they dont care. dont critize me or judge me cause ive had enough of that. my parents push me to be the best, my friends are fake. i have maybe 2 friends that are real and there for me no matter what. my boyfriend is everything to me and i know that this will crush him and i dont want that. but i feel like he deserves better, he wants better than me. i want him to be happy is all. my mother is a strong christian and my dad is the exact opposite, so where do i fall? where do i fit in? im an only child, the baby of the whole family. im 16 almost 17 and already they want to know what university im going to. i dont even know which ones are good and bad and where are they or what theyre called. i wanna go to a 2year college first then decide but they wont have that oh no god forbid i fallow my heart and not their dreams for me. sometimes i want to run away. i have before, ive gotten as far as the train station when my boyfriend(who was just my friend at the time) texted me and begged me not to go. maybe i should run away instead of end it, besides i dont even know how i would end it. gun? no i cant get one, hang? takes too long im guessing, sleeping pills? car? i dont even know. thinking about it makes me sad, is that normal? i dont think it is. anyway, lately things have been adding on to my..thoughts. school pressure and family fights really. ive wonderd how many people would attend my funeral, a lot? no one besides my family? i want to go out with a bang, let people know who i am and who i can be and what i can offer. people who doubted me will see how they shouldnt have. as i write this my percentage has gone up to 40%. im scared. im alone and in the closet are those pills who are calling for me. i turned my phone off and now im up to 50%. im not sure if i should call someone or sit and wait to see where my feelings lead me. ive always been somewhat of a dare devil but this is not something i want to take the chance on. i have never cut myself or hurt myself on purpose. so why am i at 55% now? i assure you that i will not do this tonight but im not saying i will not do it. i’ll give myself a week or so to think.
im sorry if this isnt what you wanted to read
but from now on i conform to no one. im my own person and i only carre what i think of me.
1 comment
Hello there. I’m sorry that you are going through a really hard time. I know life can be hard sometimes. And all the nastiness and some of the superficiality in this world can get you weary and you really do get tired of dealing with these things once you’ve had a certain amount. You’re right, you DON’T have to conform to anyone. You do deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
& You know, everything of this world is temporary – good or bad. That’s exactly the reason you should live. There is hope and incredible joy that Surpasses all circumstances. There is a God who is relentless in His love for you and just wants you to believe in His son Jesus Christ and your savior so that you can enter into a personal relationship with Him. His love never fails. Pray the simple prayer (simple, personal, believing): Confess that you are a sinner and Accept Christ as your Savior. Then bring all these things up to God. Ask Him to heal. Ask Him to love you. Ask Him to satisfy you and fill you with a sense of purpose and hope.