This masochistic heart…

Okay… so not only am i new at this but i’ve never told anyone either. I dont really know how to say everything i feel i need to say so if it comes out weird please dont judge me. This probably isnt even what any of you want to hear but if i dont get it out soon im going to have a meltdown. I already feel it coming on and it scares me.

So… to start…. it’s easier if you actually know the whole story, right?  When i was in highschool there was this guy that… well i fell in love with… let’s just call him C. Well anyways… he fell for me first, or so he lead me to believe. I had never even thought of him that way, you know? So when he let me know how he felt i was pretty confused by all of it. After a while, obviously, i did fall for him. Hard. But C didnt want anyone to know about me.  So i kept quiet and never told anyone to make him happy. I didnt want to lose him. So we messed around and he told me he loved me. After about six months though he pulled away completely when his best friend found out about us.  Apparently he started some shit about it and C doesnt like confrontations… so he split and pretended i didnt exist.  I never got a reason why or anything. It’s like he disappeared right in front of me. After that i fell apart. I did everything from cutting, trying to hang myself and trying to drown myself ( drowning yourself is NOT easy… but i was desperate.). I went from never being suicidal AT ALL to drinking a gallon of bleach. I have swallowed bleach, rubbing alcohol, liquid plumbing cleaner, and i’ve taken a handful of pain killers with half a bottle of glass cleaner. I’ve had my stomach pumped eight times. Where im from, very small town, they pretty much just let the parents figure out what to do with you hospital wise. My mom didnt know about C because i felt she would have abandoned me for it. She taught me to be a very independent person and never need anyone. Not even family. She just thought i was doing it for attention and let it go. So after seeing him for a year in school and see that look in his eyes like i disgusted him for letting myself break because of him i left. I moved from Missouri to Arizona just to get away from him. I picked myself up, i remade myself. I became the person i felt i needed to be to survive. I call it the Happiness Project. After i was there for three years i moved closer to home… but not too close that i might actually see him. Always with him in mind. I have actually woke up screaming just dreaming about him. I havent seen or heard from him in five years. Five long and miserable years of nothing but suicide watch (thanks to my brother that found out). We added each other on Facebook and everything… i believed that if i could just show the world that we could be friends that maybe i would fool myself into believing that i didnt need him. But i vowed i wouldnt say anything to him. Well…. the other day i got a message from him. I gave in and we talked and actually got really close again. He started saying that he wanted to meet me and i shattered. I actually let myself believe that it would be different this time and let him in again without realizing it. My head knows better but just knowing that this man that i love so much actually wants  to be with me (no matter what way) … i cant explain it. My head gets lighter and i cant think and the only thing i remember is the sound of my heart in my ears. I actually tremble just thinking of his name. So i got my head together and deleted him from everything. Facebook, myspace, phone… everything except my head. I sent him a long message on fb telling him that i dont hate him anymore for what he had done to me but i couldnt trust myself with him and alot of other personal stuff about how he hurt me.  I told him i couldnt pretend nothing was wrong. I begged him not to respond back because it would hurt more.Well i got a message back from him apologizing and telling me he didnt mean to hurt me and that he still thought of me. I am trying with everything in me to want to believe him but i have so many scars… imagined and real… that i just cant believe it. I havent cut in years but i still consider myself a cutter because of how many scars i have. Arms. Legs. Stomach. Back (mostly). They’re everywhere. I wanted to make sure that there wasnt one spot on me that he had touched. I dont even know if that makes sense… but i would have thrown myself from a moving airplane thousands of feet in the air if he would have asked me to. Thats how stupid i was. Whats even more twisted is i didnt do it to die. I did it to get my mind off of him even if it was just for one sweet minute. I felt like i was going crazy. And now for me to even consider letting this guy back in disgusts me. He’s already in… i know that. I cant get him out… but to let HIM know that… i cant do it. I will literally lose myself and everything that i’ve spent so long on just trying to avoid another problem like this. I have ruined every relationship i have had since then because i cant feel that way again. I wont let myself. And for the one guy that has broken every piece of me to be the one that ends up knocking those walls down scares the shit out of me. I need someone to slap some sense in to me. Someone, anyone, please i need something or im going to turn inwards. I dont care if your mean about it or anything. Just someone… please… help me.