everything seems trivial. My job, my life, my relationships, I feel like it’s all meaningless and trivial. I’m an excellent faker, at enjoying myself and being happy. What I really want to do is go and slit my wrists open again, hurt myself, end this empty life that I know isn’t going anywhere joyful. A philosopher once said “happiness is a small desk with a very large waste basket.” who the hell wants to live like that? Not me. I don’t care if most religions say my ass will burn in hell for eternity, I just want the fuck out of this place.
Which brings me to a question: is it possible to stick a needle into you ulnar artery and have the blood simply drain this way?
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Well I don’t know how to start my answer of your question, but I don’t think that it would be possible to die by doing something like that. (also i have to mention that this is not my first language, so I’m sorry for my mistakes!)
I think if you just stick a needle into your main aterie of your arm, it will close after some time. If you really want to kill yourself you might have to cut it for, I don’t know, maybe 5 cm?!
Another thing is, that I can totally understand you. I’m also a very good actor. Most of my friends can’t see through me and therefore they always think that I’m a really cheerful and happy person. I also thought that it might be better to just slit my wrists again, but I have to admit, that it doesn’t give me the pleasure I really want to get by doing such a thing. I don’t feel anything by cutting myself, so I don’t think that I should do it…
I also have to ask you: Do you really know how your live will go on? Do you know that you won’t have a happy live? I really think you should just live on and try to find anything that might give you a good feeling. There has to be something in this world!!!
And if not, don’t use a needle, cause you won’t die…
Becoming aware of the trivial nature of existence does seem to set one apart from the crowds. I imagine that your default state of mind is a less than pleasant one to deal with. That’s certainly the case for me anyhow.
I wish we could realize the trivial nature and use it to our advantage. For me this hasn’t worked out yet. It seems like it should be so fucking easy to be content if nothing matters.