Most of you who will read this post will most likely think i’m not thinking straight or advise me to look at other problems that others are suffering then look at myself but it’s not about that. I just really wonder if there is anyone that could relate to me or even slightly understand me without any judgements. I am a senior in high school this year. About my life, well i’m a good student with good grades and i have friends, a family that cares and i’m also an athlete. But my problem is something different that combines all. I am really tired of everything. I go to bed every night thinking what i want from life and wake up with the ideas that my advisor or my parents give me when i just don’t want to do anything anymore. One day i feel so ecstatic about life and everything i could accomplish and the next day i want to die because i don’t want to do or try anything and i just want to close my eyes and never wake up ever again. I feel stressed about these stupid stuff and then i realize what some other people have to worry about… Their diseases, poverty and things that are not in their control area but they just have to deal with it. I can’t stand the fact that i cry about being too stressed while some cry because they couldn’t eat anything in days. This is not fair. This world we live in is not fair and i can’t take thinking about it everyday anymore about how they can’t do anything to save themselves or how a person can’t revive their mother back to life. Why do we even ever exist if we know that there is something worst than us out there. That someone is crying when we are laughing and someone is laughing when it is us crying. All these different life stories and the misery they include more than happiness.. Why? Not some scientific bullshit but why. All these feelings we experience why? Tell me something to believe in that will make me stronger the next day and a good reason to smile when another is in great agony. I am thankful to all the oppurtunuties i had in life but why is it me that is receiving these and not another? I wasn’t born with deserving these, i was given. Why can’t they be given chances to be happy once in a while. Why do we all have to continue this fucked up meaningless story we go through everyday and call it life with ups and downs. Not knowing what is going to happen next and still making plans that are not going to happen in ways you wanted. Good saying, life is what happens when you are too busy making other plans. Well fuck this because nothing makes sense and it never will. All these feelings we have and can’t control is depressing. Me seeing my grandfather die and moving on is not what i wanted. Everything i had in life will be dissepearing someday and i don’t even know what will happen when. I can’t take hurting my parents about not knowing what to do about my future. I can’t take not knowing when will my loved ones will be gone and when the day comes just suffer in deep pain. I’m too tired and weak to continue the rest of the time i have before i pass onto nothingness. Nothingness is much better than having everything that includes negatives and positives which never tend to be equal. I’m sad everyday thinking about these fact. I cry everyday because i couldn’t help the kid on the street begging for money to get into a safe home. If i die and pass along the way of everyone in my life it will be better for all. An extra weight will be lifted off their heads and they will be better off without me, not having to worry about my god damn meaningless problems that make them sad too..
3 comments
Britney
You were born in 1992 (going by your post and handle) and you are already thinking like this? Quite amazing really! Just goes to show that you are more mindful of others than what a lot of people are. The western world has changed significantly over the past 20 years, and much for the worse with less and less care and compassion in our communities. I’ve just turned 40 so have seen it develop or rather deteriorate as such. It’s a pretty fuked up place really. If you can assist someone in need, even if it is just to listen and nothing else, you are contributing to this world and those people in need. Small differences can be big differences in some peoples’ lives.
i feel the same way. when i cry about how my life really sucks and how my parents are separated. i think to myslef that some kids will never ever see a parent because of death, or maybe both. That people are crying because there are no food sources or money to get food and i cry because things just arent going so well, but i have food and have a roof over my head. But whatever happens, life fucks everyone in their own way. No one stays a virgin to life.
There’s something I fail to understand about suicide, but I don’t mean to confuse you. I’ve been depressed for quite some time, and I, like so many others, see no point in life itself. But why suicide?
I suppose I should rephrase my question. Why us? We are the sufferers in silence. We are the brothers and sisters who share a very important thing with one another: truth. We see the world for what it is.
Some of us accept it. Those of us that do tend to linger on, usually in misery. Why they do so is beyond me, so please understand that I’m not saying you shouldn’t kill yourself.
But WE refuse it. We deny this world the pleasure of torturing us. We commit ourselves to nothingness, prematurely ending our undeserved pain. We all feel the same feelings. We are not alone, and I’m saying that WE shouldn’t kill ourselves.
We are a group of men and women, boys and girls, all of us dedicated to the ugly truth that this world is nothing but a shell of what it could be. The world is a fucked up place. Why is it that the ones who admit that fact are the ones who get left behind?
Maybe we should all just kill ourselves. But evolutionary instincts tell us not to. I say FUCK instincts. But think about that for a moment. If we have the power to kill ourselves, we have the power to defy our instincts. This means that we have the power to effectively ignore the most powerful driving force on the face of this planet: the drive to live. Doesn’t that make us more powerful than all the stupid bastards who think it’s worth it to keep going?
I say we use that power. People don’t understand that this world is a wasteland. I don’t think they ever will. They’ll cling to their instincts like a child to its mother’s breast, never letting go of the foolish notion that life is beautiful. We can show them what they don’t see. We have the power to fuck this world like it’s fucked us. And if we use that power, we just might be able to rid ourselves of the very people that make our species as fucked up as it is.
I’m not saying we should commit murder. Who knows, though? Maybe we should.
What I’m saying is that we KNOW something. Living – at least as we do today – sucks. This is something that the rest of the world won’t accept, but perhaps it hasn’t been presented in a way they can understand. You see, we are BETTER than them. We understand what they don’t, won’t, or cant. And we just might be able to fix them.
They won’t thank us. They won’t praise us. And they won’t apologize for shitting on us. But it would at least catch them up to speed. With all the world understanding and accepting that human beings need to change their ways, things might actually change. If everyone on the face of the planet stopped pretending they were alone and actually started voicing themselves, we might actually be able to make progress.
There are some things we can’t control. Diseases. Accidental, unfortunate deaths of loved ones. Pain would still exist. But we, brothers and sisters, DO HAVE POWER. And I say we band together and fucking use it.
Let’s try to save this world. It’s clear that no one else is doing it correctly. And if the world refuses us still…if, in the face of unbending truth, the rest of our species still denies us…I say we burn this planet to its core.