Seems strange at my age to be at a site like this, at 13 I was told it would pass, simply grow out of it. Instead hear I sit as I always have late in the night, pondering the “yes or no” question of tomorrow. I’ve toured around this site and seen alot of young writers out there scratching at this same itch and it has pained me. I wouldn’t doubt that most here would agree its a state of mind one would not wish on their worst enemy.
So in my hopes to help at least a single person out there with my experience I will say a few words that hopefully will not be a waste to anyone’s time.
I’ll start right off the bat by saying yes indeed life is difficult and in some cases quite terrible most of the time for most people. There is no denying that. But I’ve found through endurance you do on occasion find those little shreds of things worth grabbing hold of, as cliche as that may sound. The most promising thing I’ve found to stave of my own suicide on countless occasion is not to try to deny that life has been absolute shit for myself and try to cover it with butterflies and carve out a fake smile every morning, its been more to simply alter and rationalize my perspective, that being simply thinking to myself yes this shit is terrible, and I’d much rather stop living, but really how much does any of it matter. In school It was bullying that forced the gun to my head first, now out of school I rarely see those kids, and the ones I do see either don’t recognize me or smile and nod as I pass. The point to that is probably something you’ve heard before (the things affecting you now will eventually be history).
With that in mind one might wonder what brought me to the gun tonight, and that’s a good question and i’m not really sure, I may quite possibly have gone crazy down the line. The best answer I can give really is that I’ve become almost comfortable with the thought that there is an off button when the game gets to graphic I suppose, The idea that when all the world is truly crashing and I have nothing left to fall back to there is that escape.
The point to all that madness I suppose is that life is a long long exciting and frustrating game of chance and its understandable to want to end it. But if you can last far enough into it, I guarantee you’ll want to make it to the end.
Hope this was at the very least a tiny bit helpful, and not a waste of anyones time.