Beat Up By My Son Anniversary

Yesterday was a year that my son held me down and let his girlfriend kick me all over my body until I was black and blue.  They both came back four days later and stole my personal belongings.  He let her take my coats.  That is the worst part of it.  Well, it’s all the worst part of it, like him calling  me a pervert lesbian *****, accusing me of wanting to see his “wife’s” naked body.  Okay, I went into the bathroom, didn’t know they were both in the shower together.  I did this with him all the time and it was never a big deal.  He began laughing and saying get out, mom.  I teased them for a second calling them love birds.  My friend, a girl, stuck her head in for a second and that was that.   Then, five mintues later, all hell breaks loose.  He bursts into my room and he tells me that I’m now a lesbian pervert *****, that Yahweh hates me, that I drink and shop on the Sabbath.  What?  Where did all this come from?  Then she says, “All you do is lie, lie, lie!  You’re so materialistic and YOU KEEP SECRETS FROM YOUR SON! 

Wow.  That was the biggest lie I had ever heard about myself…and there have been many.  I knew then that she was turning my son away from me by some nefarious means.  I was angry, sure enough.  I then reached out to hit her but my son grabbed me and threw me to the floor where she begins to kick me everywhere while he’s holding me down and tell me what a loathsome animal I am.  She begins to hold the bible over my head saying:  “You need Yah!  You need Yah!”  He says to me that they have more education than I do…on and on, she’s more of a woman than I am.  I never knew I was in competition with a 23 year old girl.  I mean, I am a dedicated mother!  Their insults were so hurtful that I decided to call the police to get them out.  They were out that night.  How my son began living here is, I invited him to stay back home so he could save money while he decided to go back to school to finish his degree so that he could afford to buy a car.  He’s a DJ also and always had my car, and I didn’t want to share it anymore because of insurance and maybe a pending wreck.  It was a new car, fully paid for.  I thought it would do him a favor by offering that he stay home for six months so he could affod to buy a car.  I charged him $200 a month which I was going to give back to him in six months unbeknownst to him. 

 His Ethiopian girlfriend was here on an educational visa from Norway.  She had a month and she would have to go back.  They had only known each other four months but fell in love, and I offered that she come too to save money so she could go back to Norway with something in her pocket.  Bad mistake on my part.  Never invte a stranger to live in your house.  Your very life could be at stake.  For two weeks, the worst texts came to my cell phone calling me names I can’t stand to think about.   Before this very day, my son loved me.  He told me each day!  He told me how grateful he was to have such a mother.  That all his friends knew we had a loving relationship and he was so thankful that we did.  I was also

I came from a crazy one-parent household.  My mother probably has undiagnosed borderlline personality disorder and I know she has schziod tendencies.  Without writing a book, I left home at 13 but so much guilt…well, if you want to read about it, go to youtube.com.  My name there is regardingme1.  There you will get the whole story.  I’m just so tired of repeating it.

Now, all I just want to do is die.   I have planned it all out and know how to do it.  It’s just now a matter of straigtening out my head to leave here.  I am so tired of waiting for my son to wake up.  He has turned the tables on me as if I actually am insane and evil.  I am tired of the lies of the whole world.  In this world, black is white and white is black.  That is a fact.  I am not imagining how evil the world is.  IT IS!   I thought all this deceit came from my mother but I now realize that the whole world is infected and I can’t stand it any longer.  Just waking up each day is torture.  I feel beat up before I even put my feet on the floor.  I have tried to talk some sense into my son but to no avail.  I hurt so desperately because it is the exact same thing my mother did to me, lied and said I tried to kill her.  She told me she was going to make it so that no one would talk to me in the family and in one day, that’s when me and my son lost everyone.  IT WAS AS IF WE WERE DEAD.  I couldn’t believe that my mother had this much power over my siblings.  It still is hard to believe, although it is true.   My son was 19 then.  He’s now 27 and it’s taken him this long to feel anger as to what was done…unless he is just as insane as my mother…His is more scary because it’s likely that he is a psychopath.  This is what my mother bred in him.  I saw the signs when he was 24 but kept thinking he would just get over it.  He just got worse.  

He has no guilt for what he has done and every so often he does very spiteful things against me that he knows will hurt tremendously.  He has told everyone that I am lying, that none of that ever happened and no one will ever believe me.  He has now begun speaking with my mother and the the other family.  I never asked him to stop talking to them but  he did.  He just said we would make it on our own when he was 19.  But it must have been too much for hiim.  The funny thing is that in all this time since 2002, no one from my family has even picked up the phone to even check on him.   He’s now come to them to commiserate against me!  Does he even think that he is being used?  No.  He is falling right into their palms.  It’s all so insane.

The betrayal is much too much.  First my mother, then my whole family and now my son?  With almost the exact same set of circumstances?  Really?  I feel that something is saying it’s time to leave here.  I have no enjoyment in anything.  It seems I can’t make relationship with people.  I shy away from almost everyone.  I have one-on-one relationships with a few people but it’s all so useless.  No one can understand what kind of pain I am in.  They all know the story and think it’s awful but no one has made any attempt to say, hey, you are so wrong.  Your mother was such a great mom!  She sacrificed for you, believed in you…No one says anything.  Some of my “friends” have watched my son grow up since he was four years old!  No one expected that he would ever do anything like this, especially me.

This whole society is nothing but lies…all lies…Our govt lies about everything, the banking institutions, the churches, this world is filth and I don’t belong here.  Since 2000, a satanic cloud is descended up the earth.  The minions are preparing a great evil.  I can feel it!  I am not what one would call religious but I am deeply in touch with my own spirituality.   I came here for a reason…It was to make people see who they were by being myself.  I know this is fact because I had a life regression at 32 and it was eye-opening.  When I was 45, a friend of mine began to yell at me saying, “Dont you know who you are???  You are a mirror, and when people look at you, they see themselves and they may not like what they see.  Everyone is not like you!  They don’t want to see themselves as they are!”  I was taken aback.  I felt so ashamed of myself.  Then as time went on I realized he was right.  I  don’t know how that happens but it really does happen.  People befriend me because I am pleasant and serene if I am not plagued by the horrors of what others put upon me.  I am a really sweet person that would help anyone.  But when the wrong type of person comes to me and tries to do something that is not honest, that is maybe fraud or some type of usery against me, they get it back and hard!  I don’t do it!  I believe God does it.  I think I was sent here for that reason.  All is fine if they don’t try to hurt me.  But when they get hurt, they somehow they think I did it to them when they did it to themselves.  They may very well hurt me tremendously but they get it back hard and it makes me really very sad at the same time.

The funny thing is that my family I think is the most evil.  They are not like people outside.  My mother is like a Black Widow.  I think she does witchcraft.  I never went her way.  My siblings are totally subservient to her.  It’s like she controls them.  They think she knows them more than they know themselves.  It’s really weird.  My brother comitted suicide over my mother in 1986.   After talking to her, he just jumped out a hotel window.  That is why she dogged me down so much because I always knew who she was; I just wanted her to be different, a mother, loving and supportive.  When I left home at 13, taking her to family court, they talked to her separately.  She told them that I went to orgies, that I shot up drugs and that I stayed out all night.  That was a lie.  They knew it and they told me what she said.  That’s when they said, we’re going to get you out of there.  Your mother is toxic.  When I went to the group home they told me outright to stay away from her. 

There’s been many instances where I was aware that my mother may be a witch, many.  I accused her so one day and the scene was horrific!  Horrific!  If I told you, I would just have to write a book. 

Okay, here’s the thing:  I can’t live on this plane anymore.  I need to end my life.  I really think my son is beyond my help.   He’ll be 28 in February and I can’t help him anymore.  He’s the only one I feel that may be worthy of worrying about as being affected by my impending death, but I know it’s not like he’s a teen.  If I kill myself, he may feel responsible or he may one day wake up to the fact that his was the last death knell that ran me away from this life but what can I do?  My whole life has been tied up in living for others.  I can’t think of one reason to stay here.  Not one!  It may be a selfish act towards my son if he does wake up one day but so what?  I’m tired.  I really am tired.  I have given him every chance to come to me and talk it out, expose the truth and expose the lie.  It’s just not going to happen. 

I believe my work is done here and there is no reason at all for me to be hanging on in this way.   Please, if you respond, don’t even try to give me reasons to live.  Believe me…there are none.