I feel ridiculous, having searched for a place to share my innermost feelings and thoughts of suicide…
I’m 14 years old, and have horrid self-esteem/confidence issues. I find myself repulsive, but yearn for love. I get no support from my family, not even my twin sister who hates me for getting attention i dont want. I go to a psychologist who tells me to go to school.
Did i mention i sort of dropped out, except i go every once in a while after my parents beat me.
I hurt so badly, over nothing. I have a house, food in my cupboards, clothes, im not sick, nothing’s wrong on the outside. Its me.
Im my worst enemy, and i feel worthless. Empty. I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I want someone to understand. I found that in my best friends boyfriend, who just wanted sex from me. But he understood me. I didnt give it to him, anyways he hates me now after every friend but one betrayed me.
They spilled my innermost secrets and turned them into lies.
And that one person only stood by me because they hated her too.
I went into, as my psychologist said, “A Major Depressive Episode”.
I stayed home in bed for 3 weeks whilst my parents called the school, endless calls, and got the girls suspended.
Ryan hates me. My ex-friends are trying make it okay. I feel alone.
Empty. Alone. Naive. Hurting. You know how in books they describe heartbreak? Well my heart hurts and aches just writing this. My mind hurts from my insecure thoughts.
I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Not so much die. Im hoping the future hold something.
Thinking about my future is like a lit candle in utter darkness. That, and being a stupid pathetic coward, are what keep me from killing myself.
Yet Im glad for that hope, hope for being a musician, singer, artist of some sort, first love, experiencing the world, and getting the hell out of Half Moon Bay, California.
Its hard to think about that hope, when your drowning in hurt though.
I wish i had someone to support me, to love me, and to help me find myself under the girl who wears a mask of being okay.
No one knows, yet they know all. They dont care, or understand.
Help me, please?