I am completely confused.
My priest and close friend has recently told me that whenever she needs an answer to an important question in her life, she prays and then at random selects a verse from her bible, and it will invariably be a very clear answer. It really works for her, and if she does not like the answer and tries again, it will just say the same thing in a different way, again and again, until she accepts it.
I’ve tried that in the past as well, and it has worked! So today I tried it, with the question whether I will survive this episode of mental illness and depression, or whether I will kill myself. And I tried four times, and every time the sentence I picked contained a message concerning death. Every time!!!!!
I know I asked, so I should accept the answer, but somehow I cannot believe that God is telling me I will kill myself. You would think that he would want me to live, and give me hope. On the other hand, even when I try to be a sceptic – four hits can hardly be a coincidence.
Problem is I have two teenage sons, so I really have a good reason to stay alive, and I have many good friends who support me, and all the professional/medical help I could wish for. On the other hand I am sooooo screwed up mentally and emotionally, and my (second, quite recent) marriage is also so screwed up, and I have not got it in me to rebuild my life as a single mum – again….
If it wasn’t for my sons, I would have died already more than a year ago. I have my method picked out, and have rehearsed it and planned it to the last detail. I know I would have no problems at all carrying it out except for feeling horrible about what this would do to my sons.
Does God now want me to die????? Or is he simply giving me that message that, while he does not WANT me to die, that he already knows I will kill myself anyway, and hopefully I will be forgiven and received with love in heaven, and my kids somehow will be ok????
Please no flames about me believing in God, I know that not everybody shares my believes, but otherwise I’d be grateful for any feedback.
BTW, @crying on the inside, I am another Aussie, from Perth, 45 yo. I sent an email to you about a week ago but it bounced. And “Happy Birthday!”.