The love of my life. How can I have a life without him? Lung cancer, about 3 months ago. At home. In my arms. Thank the universe for hospice, because it was painless and peaceful. He was 55. Handsome, bright, knowledgeable—everything to me.
I’m 59. I had to sell the business we were running together—he was the main ingredient—at a distressed price and feel lucky to have gotten out at all.
A lot of death in my life–my mother last year, my father (lung cancer) when I was 30, my twin brother (suicide) a few years later and then another brother (suicide–terminal renal cancer). I handled those other losses fairly well, I thought. But now they seem to be affecting me—sort of like a backlog And this one is very different. I’m on anti-deressant, anti-anxiety and anti-insomnia medication. I’m going to grief counseling. Trying to marshall my resources and put myself back together. But it all feels like a sham. Suicide is on my mind every day. I’ve always thought of suicide as a likely option for me. Even tried it once when I was 17.
Because of the lung cancer, I’ve got a lot of drugs here: Hydrocodone, oxycodone, ocycontin. Should work, huh? I’ll get the new version of Final Exit (of coure I’ve had the first one since it was published). That helium hood thing sounded good at first, but reading about the failures makes me think you need assistance. I’m healthy (though assuming my liver proably isn’t doing too well–rum) so can’t imagine who I could ask.
I’ve battled depression for years, but I just never fathomed this degree of sadness and despair. I have friends who are trying to help, but there is no help. Oh my god I miss him so much.
So…why am I posting this? Because there is no one I can talk to about it. And I guess I’m looking for advice. I always thought I would use a gun, but now that it seems like I am really, actually going to do this, the gun seems so violent (?)–I can’t explain it. Wrist slicing—ditto. I wish it didn’t have to hurt. I’d prefer the pills, but I am so afraid of failing.
Any thoughts, anybody?