I tried to hang myself yesterday, too. The guilt today is overwhelming. I’m also 27, stay here for family, and have felt like this my whole life. I don’t know what to do anymore.
 I almost succeeded. I don’t even know what happens, I just shut down and turn off. Anything can trigger me. I’ve been sexually abused and a drug addict. It seems like I’m giving myself reasons by pushing everyone away and sabotaging anything that is good in my life.
I have seizures and suicide attempts often follow them. Last night I was talking about using as I came out of a seizure and my boyfriend wouldn’t believe that I hadn’t been using. I pointed out that I was shooting salad, that it didn’t make any sense money wise but he refused to believe me. Our fight escalated to us pushing each other around. I knew he would leave me. I locked myself in my room and hung myself by a power cord in my closet. He heard me choking, broke into the room and pulled me down. Why would I do this to anyone? I don’t care about myself but I do care about him. Why would he believe me now? He said I was trying to pull the cord away but I was out and would’ve been gone if he hadn’t broke in.
The scariest part was the hallucination I had when hanging. I have the same one when I have seizures. I’m all of the sudden in this room, there are people that turn when I come in and walk towards me, the floor drops from me(like being in between floors on an elevator) and I start screaming. I don’t always scream but when I do its a sound that will never leave my head.
I can’t let it go. I feel like I have this biological urge to destroy myself. The more I try the worse I feel. I don’t think I’ll make it next time.
1 comment
I’m the one that wrote the earlier post about coincidence and my hanging attempt. Of course I totally understand what you’re going through. Besides the seizures, everything you said describes me to a tee. I wish you the best of luck.