I’m about sixteen, and I’m a boy. I’m…I’m gay, but I have issues coming to terms with it. I am totally immersed in the Pro-Gay scene at my high school, I’m one of the heads of the GSA. I’ve thought I was gay before, but I don’t think I was ever serious, but I recently realized it full circle, that women just…they’re not the same. But, that’s all just sort of part of the issue…
Ever since I was a small kid, and I mean really small, I’ve been…different. I couldn’t accept anything at face value. I always questioned things, I couldn’t buy into someone, and therefore, I never trusted anyone, and I still can’t. All my friends have at one point turned their backs and steeled against me, beaming at me in a xenophobic cloud. I have really bad socializing skills, and people relentlessly mock me for these kinds of things. I get nothing but grief, from my friends, my family, and my teachers. But it’s everyone outside of that, that causes problems. I am ridiculed and rumored against for things I never did. I’ve never done anything…ever exactly. Every rumor seems to be coming from the same people who I once called friends. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve decided to leave the county, since I only have one real friend at this point who can bare to be around me.
I’m failing my classes, and according to everyone, it’s too late to save it before semesters end. I already am averaging a…well, average grade, and this’ll only make it worse. My mother, and my brother, and my father have all told me that I’m probably going to end up as some vagrant or transient, and I…I’m scared.
I already have to deal with constant fear of…everything. I can’t trust anyone, so I always assume the extreme, and no matter how much I am reassured, I don’t know what to do. I just…I can’t bare it anymore. I try to talk to my family, they mock me, tell me I don’t know one bit about pain. I talk to my friends, they call me selfish, and that my problems are all stemming from some desire to have attention, or to be loved. I talk to a doctor, they try to give me medications that in the end I can’t deal with. I talk to counselors at school, and they try to pass me off as a liability, and think I need special needs classes (I have the highest scores in all my classes when it comes to tests, which is weird since I’m not an A student, I just have a lack of desire to do…anything, and no creative room to do what I do want.)
I really need help that I can actually…use, and will really help, because I don’t even want to leave my apartment anymore, unless I’m leaving for good. I want to go…away…far, far away. That’s all that really in my heart now. I can only run now, run from my pain.
3 comments
I’m bi, but in practice I’m gay – so let’s just simplify and say I’m gay. Anyway, I’m young too. But a few years back, when I was “coming to terms,” I had a very different approach than you. I told no one that I liked other boys. I even made an effort to masculinize my language use, mannerisms, behavior, etc. And well, I highly recommend it. It simplifies things immensely.
Bottom line is a lot of ppl are stupid. Sure, I’m thankful for ppl like you who fight against prejudice, but you seem to be having a hard time and I know being a homophile activist – while noble – still can be a heavy burden. Stupid ppl love gays like us – we’re their holy grail of a prejudicial target. It disappointed me too, but it was just easier to take myself off the grid. When you’re older, more settled and adequately employed you will be able to do what you want. Right now FOCUS ON SCHOOL. If my high school was plagued by homophobic assholes who knew I was gay, I’d start over. Transfer to a different school/county and would not make the same mistake of trusting ppl with knowledge that can make me a target.
I agree with mvuono–people are stupid, esp. in high school. Give yourself the chance to get past it and see what else is out there. And I also agree that you should focus on school. Try to talk to your teachers about failing, if you can, to find out if there’s anything you can do, and to let them know that you care about passing. I know–I used to teach high school, and it makes a difference when students care about their progress. That doesn’t mean that teachers can change your grade, but they might be more willing to help if they know that you’re not blowing stuff off.
Yeah, unfortunately high school counselors are usually going to be useless. Try to find a teacher that you might have a connection with. Are there any? What about the sponsor for your gay/lesbian student group? Teachers look really busy and stressed out a lot, and often they are, but many–not all, yes there are some jerky ones–do care and want to help if they can. Talking to students about their lives was always my favorite part of teaching, and I felt honored when a student confided in me.
I’m sure you have a lot to offer–even if it’s just the strength and insight you’ve gained through this experience. Acceptance is OUT THERE and it’s also even closer than you think. I’m sure of that, and yes, even in small towns and even in conservative places there are a few cool people who won’t judge you. You are not alone…..
Best wishes to you,
A.
I’m bi too and also trans, but at 38 I’m nowhere near as young as you. If I’d come out when I was at high school in the 1980s I would have had my head kicked in (I went to a boys school) or else my blokey dad would have killed me. As it was everyone thought I was a sissy, a poof or stupid as I had learning problems. It’s hard to feel pride, confidence or acceptance in yourself when you’re constantly getting negative messages telling you that you’re bad for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans or intersexed. Actually it sucks! And yes people can always tell when you’re different or not like them, strange huh? My grades suffered because of bullying, abuse and undiagnosed dyslexia so don’t let that happen to you… as it can mar the rest of your life. Just keep your head down the best you can and study hard cuz before you know it school will be over. Also believe it or not, for some people it really does get better, and I sincerely hope that you’ll be one of those lucky people…
Okay Indigo take care please, cya!!! U_U