i stumbled upon this site trying to find answers about what i had recently done to myself. i’m 25 years old and my life has been on a continuous downward spiral since i was about 20. It probably started earlier than that but that’s when things started to get really unmanagable. I’ve developed a drinking problem, been arrested a handful of times, terminated an unwanted pregnancy, and most recently I am involved with a physically and emotionally abusive man. He has extremely bad jealousy issues and shares my affection for booze. He has hit me only once about 2 years ago. I know i shouldn’t be with him but for someone like me that is way easier said than done. I have deep feelings for him despite everything he’s done to me. He has these freak outs when he thinks i’m ‘up to something,’ which i never am. He breaks all my shit and it always seems to be something that is really meaningful to me, ie. a gift from my brother, my sisters guitar, an antique mirror from my aunt. Last week he broke my grandmothers dish and i lost control. We were both trashed. I lunged at him, got on top of him and started punching him and freaking out until he held my arms down and i eventually stopped. Then i went into my room and grabbed the only bottle of pills i could find (which was some random bottle of antibiotics, i found out the next day) and swallowed the entire thing. I figured it was worth a shot and it might kill me. I woke up at about 5 in the morning and started having cold sweats and became violently ill. I had to call off work the next day. Anyway, sorry for making this long but i guess i just need to vent. This last attempt was probably the 4th or 5th time i tried to kill myself in my life. i really really just don’t know what to do with myself and i’m scared of myself. i hate myself. no one around me knows how bad things really are.
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4 comments
i would say first stop drinking my mother died from it this year secant from what i saw with my mom i have to ask is it really love because i know somethimes women dont like to live by them selfs so they find the first guy and do anything to keep them and if your getting in phyical fights then u have to ask does he love you cuz true love doesnt brake thing that belongs to others and i think if u find a better man u will start to like your self i know i hated myself until i got a hair cut and new glass so if that can make me like myself a littel bit i am sure a new man that treats u right will make you love yourself cuz you have to love yourself before you can love others well i probably made u mad so i am going to stop hear
thank you, you didn’t make me mad.. i know that you’re right actually.. it’s just so hard for me to get out of this whole thing. I can’t see a way out. I need someone to hold my hand and make me make changes but i don’t know who that person is. i don’t feel like i have anyone to reach out to. i couldn’t bare to go to my family with this stuff. my parents are going through problems of their own. i miss my childhood so much. as i get older my life just gets worse and worse. i’m running out of stanima.
well geting out of the situation i dont have good advice because my mom would just leave and go in to a rehab but i am sure u dont want to do that with work and all but maybe u can just find a cheat place until u can get a better place because u dont need that guy in your life cuz in a fight u might hit him a lit to hard and he wont beable to control him self and you could be dead and i dont want that cuz ur a special person and u dont need to be hit by anyone
I feel like you and I are the same type of people. I have stayed in relationships because I was somewhat afraid to be alone I guess? I may not be completely a happy in a relationship but will stay for god knows what reason? I am currently in pretty much the same situation you wrote about so if you wanna talk about it id be glad to, i can relate to where you are coming from and how you feel.