I Fucked Up

I fucked up with the only girl that I really loved. She was the only person that I felt comfortable with telling about my suicidal thoughts and know i’m pretty sure she hates me and it’s all my fault. It all started last Wednesday when I got high for the first time, I told her I wouldnt after she found that my friend that i was going to see that day had weed. She was looking out for me but then I got drunk and then I did it. She found out on friday two days later and felt really sad and hurt towards me because of what I did. My relationship with her changed that day, she didn’t say goodbye to me, she didn’t say that she loved me and it’s all because I fucked up. I tried to make things better with her on msn but I could see that we weren’t going back to normal so I told her that we should end our relationship but now I miss her so much already and this has only happened about 7 hours ago. Now I feel more alone than ever.