If you met me, talked to me, you would think to yourself “Now here is a beautiful, intelligent woman that has it all together. She is strong, self-confident, blunt and capable.” If you knew me, the me inside, you would know even better than that. You would know the self-doubt, the belief that I am ugly, incapable, on the verge of stupid, weak. You would know that I do not have it all together. I was taught that to show weakness only brings pain, emotional and physical. I was taught that tears are for those who want to manipulate, that nothing is worth crying for. I was taught that I am supposed to show only my strengths and none of my weaknesses to the world.
Because of this, people that know me only know the surface of me, only know the me I am allowed to present to the world, the me I can only safely show. I am funny, witty, out-going. But the struggle has to be there in my eyes, doesn’t it? Why can’t anyone see it? The very few times I have let someone in, they were shocked. They couldn’t handle the me that lies underneath the facade. I’ve cut myself, taken pills, held a shotgun in my lap and wished for the guts to end it all. I’ve thought of a million ways to end it all, I’ve planned it, thought it out carefully. But then a little voice says to me that I don’t have the guts, that I’m really just a scared little girl. And you know what? That voice is so right. I really am just a scared little girl in a woman’s body. My whole world in a stage in which I act out the role expected of me, except that I don’t get to change my costume after the show. I don’t get to break down, to lick my wounds, to talk about the pain, the anguish, the turmoil going on inside my head.
It stays there, for me to analyze, break apart and put back together again, but the pieces keep falling in the same place. The answers remain elusive. I hate this and I hate life.
19 comments
i hate that i hate, too. so… drama club? or just well-read? i agree with the ‘know your role’ notion, Ms DS… i think i was born into perpetual slavery, and that’s why i can try an cheer others to enjoy another day, yet not do the same for myself. im on yahoo if you want to email. the matrix aint so bad.
Well read, well educated and I hate that too. So much is expected of an intelligent person. I am sick of that. No, the matrix is never so bad as the web of confusion that goes on in my head. I do not have yahoo, but I have skype.
Divineserendipity,
I am so saddend when I read your post. I lost my niece 2mths ago to suicide. She also was very beautiful and looked like she had everything in the world to be happy for. She also wore the mask very well. You say surely people can tell by your eyes. Sometimes when u appear bubbly and wear the beautiful smile, act happy…people think that you are. We do the best with what we know.
You are now a young woman, maybe its time to learn to live life and show yourself how u want people to see u…even if that means, showing the frightened little girl. Its very hard to change some of the things that have been instilled upon us as children….but when your life depends on it….you’ve got to give it your best shot.
Reach out honey to those around you. I know a lot of you on here get fed up with us so called do gooders, but what kind of a fellow human being would I be if I didn’t try and reach out to you people in your darkest time. I found this site by accident and I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.
I wouldn’t wish the aftermath of suicide on anyone….I hope your families don’t have to travel down that road to hell.
LMA, I think you are right, people see only what they want to see. Seldom does anyone look beyond the picture to the painter. I think one of the reasons I insist on presenting a lighter side of me to everyone, aside from the obvious reasons, is that I hope to make that a real part of me. Perhaps if I can pretend long enough, it will eventually become a fact. I know that sounds a bit insane, but at the moment, it’s all that’s left to do. My son is the reason I never would end my life. He saved me, even though he does not know it. That is too much responsibility for a child to have. But just looking at him, just thinking about his future, prevents me from leaving him behind. I could never do it. I love my child, with a love that cannot be questioned, and no amount of crap in this world could make me leave him alone in it. I will survive for him. I have broken the cycle of abuse with him. I hope to break the cycle of depression as well.
Dear DS,
I know what you mean–the more you reveal a false sense of yourself to the world, the more the anguished part despairs. It is hard, too, to find someone who can handle it. Most people never even acknowledge their own sorrow because it’s too frightening to them, so they definitely can’t deal with someone else’s.
One therapist gave me a way to deal with two totally conflicting aspects of myself–you imagine holding one part in one hand and another conflicting part in the other hand, and then you just sit there and hold both of them. By imagining one in either hand, you acknowledge a connection to the same person, the same self. I found it comforting, hope you might too, despite living through so much torment.
And btw, there is ultimately no strength in brutal, punitive stoicism. All the people who taught you that held weaknesses and fears of their own. Back to drama–look at Shakespeare. What would his work be, what would his characters be if they were only allowed to reveal the strong aspects of themselves? They would be two-dimensional and dull, and so would any character in a book, a movie, or onstage. Refusing any aspect of human experience reveals is the real weakness. We are, as humans, weak, strong, fierce, scared, loving, hateful, destructive, creative, ignorant, brilliant, and on and on…. Each of us reveals aspects of human experience in our own unique way. The only “wrong” way is an inauthentic way.
Nointerest, I am going to sit quietly and try what you suggested. I have no idea how it can help, but I seriously doubt it can hurt. Perhaps in bridging a connection between the weak part of myself and the strong part of myself, I can find a middle ground, a balance of sorts. I have learned of the weaknesses of those who demanded only strength from me, and last night, while talking to a friend, I told her that is was pure bullshit. Do we not all have a right to be weak? To hurt? To despair? Perhaps if we were allowed to get it out we could begin to heal. Our wounds run so deep and our sorrow so wide that it consumes us and we cannot see past the hurt. Self-destruction starts out as a tiny seed planted by another, it is only within ourselves that we foster it’s growth. The question is, once it grows so strong, how do we battle it? When we have let it take roots deep within the core of who we are, how do we uproot it? And if we can, what then, do we fill the core of us with when we have only known the destruction?
Nointerest and Ms. DS – Beautifully written.
I don’t have the literary skills as either of you, but I experience similar emotions. Thanks for sharing. For me, unfortunately, I feel connected to no one to share these thoughts. I am fortunate to have a great wife, adopted-daughter and extended family, but my role is that of a “pillar” in this outfit. Lots of people count on me.
Thanks again, though, for giving me a moment to exhale…. and just acknowledge to myself (at least) that most days I feel inadequate, confused, stressed, etc. I even hate engaging people because I feel like I’m holding my breathe when I’m talking to them. I think, “Just stay long enough to seem normal (maybe even humorous) and then leave.” It would be GREAT to just be happy with who I am.
So, I applaud everyone out there who can declare, “Just be yourself!” That would mean that you know who YOU are. I’m still searching.
I feel uneasy even writing this because I’m not one to complain. Many people face worse problems than me. But I stumbled on this site tonight and decided to release a little.
Final thought — I encourage all of us to . . . [sorry, I’m out of inspirational comments right now]. Just keep your heads up and smile. Each breathe is a gift. You all were a gift to me.
Lol, Grownman, Should I just “be myself”, I would be wearing a love-me hug-me jacket in no time! I can only imagine the actions taken against me should I dare to break down and not be the “pillar” of strength. Sometime I want to shout “I hurt too, I cry too, I die a little inside too”!!!! But no one would listen, or, like times before, would tell me to suck it up.
You don’t need literary skills to pour out the words. No words are more beautiful and meaningful than those that come from deep within, no matter how they are written or spoken.
We all need a moment to exhale, I am glad you had one. I fully understand your situation with engaging people. I have been there.
LMA,
My heart goes out to you and your niece’s family. My regards.
you know once i put my name on a bullet after hearing bullet with a name.. i put it in my mouth closed my teeth smiled put a nail on the shot and tapped it with a tool but i didnt full force hit it i was scared….scared it would blow up my face and head alittle and leave me alive thats why i only barely tapped it too scared. but can i borrow your shotgun? i’ll do that it has a much higher succes with a directed trajectory. sorry for your problems its a cold face to wear but the times you can crack through and find humor is the best smiles a great and all good for the soul but a good laugh will go far in this world.
No, honey, you cannot borrow my shotgun. But you can borrow my shoulder to cry on, if needed. I have heard so many horror storied and seen them as well. I knew a man that tried to commit suicide with a shotgun. He was an expert marksman and knew just what to do, but he failed. Now his face is messed up and he was left mentally retarded, but also aware of what happened and why. If I can barely make through each day as is, I cannot imagine making it through one second like that.
A friend told me the other day that I laugh a lot. Well, I must, or I’ll cry. Think it’s that way for many of us.
dude… i was reading your post and got detracted between the suicidal moments state of mind and the fact you have a son…… dont fuck his head up with depression my mom did it killed me……killed. alot of children die like that. alot of children die like me………beat harmed mistreated and the about midway fucked for being alive. i ruined my parents relationship…. you cant tell me i didnt cuz my dad told me i did. i fucked up other lives because i was alive….. i hert things before boys and girls do i killed birds ducks ducklings baby birds lizzard…you cant segrigate insects if you do segregate you. i ve killed insects thought tons of times about people,fish snakes,ive been told go to hell alot….. im going to hell….. i died inside before 15 bye then adulthood was too old to far to much too fucked…. i do nothing but think about death and killmyself slowly but shurley. its goona be a long road to hell till i one day find a gun to buy. i swear im going out that way one shot one kill. dont hurt him in the headd you cant do it you an adult he is a kid that will have to function in all aspects of society to survive.. remember that… but one the lighter side… i bet you keep it great together for the two of you.
Sweetheart, do you actually read my posts? Let me reiterate. I BROKE THE DAMN CYCLE. My son, my PRECIOUS TREASURE, does not know any type of abuse. He is a very happy, opinionated, energetic child. He is intelligent, affectionate and one hell of a smart-ass. Believe me, my parents fucked me up nicely. I am a single mom raising this child alone and in this one thing, I know I have done beyond well. I have that to hang on to. In a way, you could say that I make damn sure not to make the mistakes with him that was made with me, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS. I live with it EVERYDAY. He is a boy, therefore he is a bit more destructive than a girl would be, but no more so than other boys his age, and what he destroys, he actually tries to fix. I fix his owies and his hurt feelings and he fixes the things that he tears up. He is a well-rounded little boy and I am extremely proud of how he has turned out thus far. Everyone that meets him is astounded at his personality. He runs to mama when mama is needed, but he is extremely independent. I raise him the way I wish I would have been raised, with lots of love, praise, boundaries, albeit wide ones, intelligence, attention and affection. I do not hit him, say hurtful things to him, punish him for no reason, talk down to him or neglect him. He tells me all the time I am his best friend, that he loves me, but he is not afraid to tell me he is mad at me or that he doesn’t like/want to do something. Again, I BROKE THE CYCLE. It has to start somewhere, it started with him.
fuck o well it was a useless rant and i did recall your times abut your family but fuck it . thats good fuck i am sorry i didnt mean to get involed i just got side tracted im not all there. i’ll cut a fresh scar and burn a good one to remind me i fucked up. sorry. hey do you know anywhere i can find a stich kit for my cuts?
UglyDuck, that was not mean for you. It was meant for blood doll. As a matter of fact, I did not see a post from you, unless you and blood doll are one in the same!
Good luck to you DivineSerendipity. I watch someone similar to you each day and hope that one day she will let down a wall or two and tell me wtf is going on.
Been there, thank you sweetie, the problem is not that I would not talk about it, it is that when I try to, I get ignored, or told they don’t want to talk about it. Believe me, I would, I will, and I have tried, but I get shut down quickly. And I am not the type of person to say “you did this” I say ” I feel”
DivineSerendipity, I am so glad that you are holding strong for your son. My niece loved her children dearly and was a beautiful mum, so that place must have been so dark for her to leave them.
I sincerley hope that u find an end to your battle with depression so that you can enjoy living a full and happy life with your son.
Good luck love XXXX
Thanx grownman X