I don’t know if any of you read my post yesterday, summing up my life, but here’s a quick recap:
- My dad abused me throughout my whole childhood, and my mom eventually stopped caring and started siding with him.
- My first boyfriend pretty much raped me (I say pretty much because its not like he was a stranger, and we had also had sex before…)one night when we had a fight
- Every friend I ever make doesn’t last and ends up using me, either as a free tutor or someone to rave about their fantastic lives to and belittle. I’m a member of a sorority (college sophomore) and honestly nobody likes me. And I know it, but I joke and am sarcastic all the time and I pretend to be happy. Deep down I know that nobody likes me. That’s why I have no friends.. they all get tired of me.
- I really don’t have anybody that I’m close to (I really have no friends at the moment, just acquaintances) and I’m tired of being so lonely my whole life. I guess the only benefit here is there’s nobody that I would really hurt in suicide. Sure, a couple of people might say “Oh what a shame, how sad”, but there is nobody that would legitimately GRIEVE or anything. I wouldn’t really be hurting anybody.
I am just so tired of it and i’ve tried everything I can try. I can’t afford any type of therapy or medical help (i’m a college student and broke, and my parents don’t believe in “depression” and think people nowadays are just crybabies). I don’t have any friends to vent to (I told one of my roommates I was depressed and had thought about suicide once, and I thought she was caring and nice, but yesterday she told me she’s tired of “listening to my problems”. 🙁 I guess all I do is complain. I have nobody else I can/want to talk to. I’ve tried everything to numb my feelings… alcohol, cigarettes (even though I swore i would never, i just don’t care anymore). Nothing works.
I’m living in my sorority house this year and i’m trapped in a house full of girls that hates me (It costs $1000 to break the housing contract). I’m stuck in a life surrounded by people that find me annoying or despise me, and I just can’t take it anymore.
Two things are happening tonight (I think):
- My sorority is appointing officers for positions tonight. I know I’m not going to get any of the ones I ranked, even though I know I had the best ideas for my top choice. I’m not going to be picked for ANYTHING, and its just a confirmation that everyone hates me, because I really am most qualified for this position – people are going to play favorites though.
- I’m considering contacting one girl in the sorority who I had a big fight with last week and she has yet to contact me. I’m just going to tell her I’m still willing to resolve the issue and put it all behind us, but I told her that mid-argument last week and she said she didn’t know if she wanted to be friends anymore and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Its been so awkward seeing as we live in the same house and I guess all I can do is try again, but I have a very strong feeling she’s going to say something really mean again and I’ll just have a breakdown.
If both of these things go wrong (1st is almost guaranteed to go wrong, but I care a LOT more about the 2nd, and I have this bad aching feeling in my stomach that the 2nd thing will go VERY wrong)…. then I might end up actually killing myself tonight. Not solely because of these 2 things.. because of everything I listed above. These things are just the last straw, especially the 2nd.
I will have a serious breakdown (I’m supposed to be studying tonight for a major test tomorrow – but hey if I’m going to die within the week then what des it matter?) but I just can’t put off texting my former-friend anymore. I can’t handle this and I have a feeling the end result I won’t be able to handle either, but its my last try.
I just want to start bawling right now but my roommates are here. Don’t know when to try to contact the girl. I’m scared and I can’t focus on anything else besides how I’m going to kill myself.
7 comments
It’s ok to break down and cry. It’s ok to feel sad sometimes but not always. Try your hardest to produce positive thoughts and look forward to the future. Don’t you want your parents to be proud of you and trust yo again after you graduate? Don’t you wanna get married and have kids? Don’t you want to start a program to help the hopeless? You can be the next Oprah or the next person to make a program helping the mental. But if you die now you won’t be able to do anything.
I think we have life because we’re on Earth to learn. And to get strong. I know it might seem like there’s no sun in your heart and that everything is dimming darker and darker every time something happens or everyday. Trust me, I know that feeling. So when you’re about 30, you’re gonna look back and tell your children not to worry. Don’t you wanna be the mom or the dad that you never really had? A kind caring mother/father.
You’re just here to learn. To learn to do everything. So instead of being down all the time, plan your whole week. Or month or even the year. Every Friday, I will tutor kids. Or Every Saturday I will hang out with the girls at the house. Every Monday I will run for the cancer programs or recycle. Stuff lik that. And you’ll learn how to tutor better, how to be a good friend, how to run faster or to learn which items to recycle. It’s fun learning random stuff.
So don’t die. All your problems can get better! All problems in life can be solved no matter how hard it is to find a solution. But during the ride you can stop at the side to cry or to laugh. It’s a beautiful road… Watch out for the road and look at the scenery. Don’t just stay there because you’ve ran out gas. People are there to help you. You’re not alone. 2 out of 5 teens and people are depressed or lonely. And how many people are there in the world? Exactly. So you CAN solve problems, you CAN get through this. You have to take baby steps and do it one by one. You can start by talking/contacting to the girl and becoming friends, if not, life goes on. The cars behind you aren’t gonna stay there forever because you’ve stopped. The Earth is not gonna stop because you’ve stopped. You have to walk with it.
Almost every four year college has counseling available to students, at minimal cost…many charge on a sliding scale, so if you’re flat broke, you’ll still get help. If you’re thinking exclusively about ways to kill yourself, you need to find help now. You’re not in a good frame of mind to be tackling anything else but getting yourself help. Call a crisis line. If that isn’t working, call 911.
What other people think of you is irrelevant, provided you are doing your best to live a decent life. But you’re not going to realize that if you’re in the middle of a clinical depression, which it kind of sounds like to me. Get help now. The other things can really wait until later…compared to your health, they are completely unimportant.
Hey, you still there?, I would like to know you 🙂
HEY ARE YOU OKAY? I HAVE READ BOTH OF YOUR POST, I KNOW I AM POSTING THIS A YEAR AND A HALF LATER, BUT I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING? I MEAN, ARE YOU STILL THERE??? PLEASE I DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE ANYTHING STUPID. IF YOU ARE STILL HANGING ON, PLEASE ANSWER ME, SHOW SOME SIGNS OF LIFE.
I CARE ABOUT YOU. I WILL TALK TO YOU AND I ‘LL HELP YOU GO THROUGH THIS.
DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW IF SHE’S OKAY?
DOES ANYONE IN HERE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
hi thinkbeforeyouact….
did you end up finding out what happened to that girl?
I was thinking about doing what you did…..calling out to see if she was alright…
but then I saw you already did it.
im worried too.
Please don’t die. I hope you didn’t kill yourself, I hope it so very much. Please, god, please don’t be dead. Please post again, let us know you’re alright. Please be alright.
More than six months after the last comment……. and I want to know what happened to her, too 🙁