I don’t know if any of you read my post yesterday, summing up my life, but here’s a quick recap:
- My dad abused me throughout my whole childhood, and my mom eventually stopped caring and started siding with him.
- My first boyfriend pretty much raped me (I say pretty much because its not like he was a stranger, and we had also had sex before…)one night when we had a fight
- Every friend I ever make doesn’t last and ends up using me, either as a free tutor or someone to rave about their fantastic lives to and belittle. I’m a member of a sorority (college sophomore) and honestly nobody likes me. And I know it, but I joke and am sarcastic all the time and I pretend to be happy. Deep down I know that nobody likes me. That’s why I have no friends.. they all get tired of me.
- I really don’t have anybody that I’m close to (I really have no friends at the moment, just acquaintances) and I’m tired of being so lonely my whole life. I guess the only benefit here is there’s nobody that I would really hurt in suicide. Sure, a couple of people might say “Oh what a shame, how sad”, but there is nobody that would legitimately GRIEVE or anything. I wouldn’t really be hurting anybody.
I am just so tired of it and i’ve tried everything I can try. I can’t afford any type of therapy or medical help (i’m a college student and broke, and my parents don’t believe in “depression” and think people nowadays are just crybabies). I don’t have any friends to vent to (I told one of my roommates I was depressed and had thought about suicide once, and I thought she was caring and nice, but yesterday she told me she’s tired of “listening to my problems”. 🙁 I guess all I do is complain. I have nobody else I can/want to talk to. I’ve tried everything to numb my feelings… alcohol, cigarettes (even though I swore i would never, i just don’t care anymore). Nothing works.
I’m living in my sorority house this year and i’m trapped in a house full of girls that hates me (It costs $1000 to break the housing contract). I’m stuck in a life surrounded by people that find me annoying or despise me, and I just can’t take it anymore.
Two things are happening tonight (I think):
- My sorority is appointing officers for positions tonight. I know I’m not going to get any of the ones I ranked, even though I know I had the best ideas for my top choice. I’m not going to be picked for ANYTHING, and its just a confirmation that everyone hates me, because I really am most qualified for this position – people are going to play favorites though.
- I’m considering contacting one girl in the sorority who I had a big fight with last week and she has yet to contact me. I’m just going to tell her I’m still willing to resolve the issue and put it all behind us, but I told her that mid-argument last week and she said she didn’t know if she wanted to be friends anymore and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Its been so awkward seeing as we live in the same house and I guess all I can do is try again, but I have a very strong feeling she’s going to say something really mean again and I’ll just have a breakdown.
If both of these things go wrong (1st is almost guaranteed to go wrong, but I care a LOT more about the 2nd, and I have this bad aching feeling in my stomach that the 2nd thing will go VERY wrong)…. then I might end up actually killing myself tonight. Not solely because of these 2 things.. because of everything I listed above. These things are just the last straw, especially the 2nd.
I will have a serious breakdown (I’m supposed to be studying tonight for a major test tomorrow – but hey if I’m going to die within the week then what des it matter?) but I just can’t put off texting my former-friend anymore. I can’t handle this and I have a feeling the end result I won’t be able to handle either, but its my last try.
I just want to start bawling right now but my roommates are here. Don’t know when to try to contact the girl. I’m scared and I can’t focus on anything else besides how I’m going to kill myself.