I’m 20 yo, no job history. Been lookin for 3 years was told i was under qualified at Mc Donalds and under qualified at BK. I have a huge school debt that isn’t gettin paid soon, and its about to kick me out even tho i just transfered.( Never start ITT unless you plan to finish ) My mother walked out on me when i was 5 and left me with my grand parents. There I got abused physically and sexually then got into some serious trouble that im still payin the price for legally and  emotionally . i haven’t had a stable home since i was 15. Foster Care, my aunts(kicked me out), my mother who could keep a job like i could keep my room clean ( never more then a month or so) so we moved every 2~3 months, then Christmas 2007 she send me to my sisters saying shes goin to florida (aka i wasn’t worth a check cuz i was 17) then my sister kicked me out (partially due to what happened at my grand parents and partially because she was having a baby) now i live with my disabled father who can’t afford to support him self let alone both of us. and just as i started to think everything was starting to look half assed i find out I might be going to jail over a technicality of what happened when i was 14 and living with my grand parents. Iv’e read alot about suicide even wrote a paper in high school about it. I tried to talk to everyone I know and they all said the same thing “your just being selfish” , maybe their right but god damn nothing has worked out for me as far back as i can remember. There has always been some one or something that has been following me, something that I have to keep to my self or be rejected by everyone. Iv’e Lied so many time to keep my true self hidden I don’t even know who the real me is. And yet I feel somehow obligated to sit here and post for the whole world to see what the people closest to me can’t seem to understand.
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I am so so sorry for what you have been going through. I am so so sorry for the horrible parents you were given. I am so so sorry for the evil grandparents you ended up with. You deserve so much better. I know what you are going through.. the feelings of loss and loneliness… The rage and the frustration and the hate and the hopelessness. I know and I FEEL with you. Your life from the start was messed up. Not your fault. Yes, you have done some shit… And that IS your responsibility. BUT, I understand why you have been messing up. I’m not excusing your actions. But I UNDERSTAND WHY. Every action has a consequence.. and unfortunately, we never think or consider those consequences.
However, I put the blame on your family’s irresponsibility. Every one needs love, kindness and nurture. And it seems you didn’t get any of that. So you end up feeling unloved and unwanted… feeling all alone and defenseless… feeling helpless and rejected. I know sweetie… I know how horrible everything seems now. But can I suggest something to you before you decide to end it all? Can I suggest that you just take a deep breath and really think of what is it that you really want? do you really want to just cease to exist? Or do you actually wish to be happy? To have a normal life free of worry? To be loved and to love? To have a family that cares? Friends that support you? To have a good job and a bright future? Don’t you PREFER that? Don’t you wish that things were different? Because if you do…. then you are not hopeless 🙂
Life has taught me that EVERYTHING and ANYTHING can change in the blink of an eye. A good situation can suddenly become bad and a bad situation can suddenly become good. Life is fickle sweetie… change happens whether we want it or not. BUT, what we can control is our reaction to change. Do we take it, accept it, and adapt to it? Or do we resist it, fight with it and hate it? There is something else you CAN control as well… and that is where the rest of your life is heading. It is up to YOU to decide if the rest of your life will be heading towards good change… or will the rest of your life continue sucking?
You can change it all. You can start from today, from NOW. Just start with little changes. A change in perception. a change in attitude. And then a change in actions. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take charge. You might have to pay for your mistakes… which is fine. Life doesn’t end there. BUT, once you have paid your dues, life continues. Direct it towards good. Start working on yourself first…. Once you start feeling better people will start giving you chances. Once you start believing in yourself, others will believe in you. So, be strong and don’t run away. start thinking of ways and ideas (legal) to earn money. work on your image. market yourself. Forget the past. FUCK the past. But don’t let the past fuck your life. Don’t give up. start thinking positively and you will see that life will change to the better.
And remember… God is watching.. so have faith and always always go back to God.. Ask him, plead with him.. He will will reply and never leave you alone. Have faith..
Stay in touch….. And take care of yourself..
Congrats for your sister and her baby. I reccomend..A gun? But it does seem kinda like an over-used method.
A noose is much easier to acquire than a gun and less complicated than many of the methods discussed here.