it never ends

 

i may be the most pathetic creature to consume precious air.

some of you are young people, and my heart goes out to you. i understand despair, depression, mental anguish, self-loathing.  people can ridicule you (or me), asking how can we bemoan life when there are people in the world are struggling just to keep a roof over their heads. i NEVER forget how lucky i am, materialistically speaking. but internal pain, of the soul –  is simply horrible.

im in my 40s now, for pete’s sake. and still suffering. my parents always told me how ugly and useless i was when i was a kid. my older sibling was a controlling, vicious, demeaning, insulting vampire. i was picked on for being different by other kids. ‘gay’, ‘******’, ‘nerd’ – i got it all.  to this day, i cant accept –  no, I cant BELIEVE someone can love me.

i want to just die. this stuff never ends, does it? i always thought when the parents finally pass, it might, then i can live normally. they STILL get on my shit about everything, always wanting to reinforce my failings.  but then id feel like crap because i should of/could of done SOMETHING to make it better with them when they were alive.

i can never kill myself – i dont have the nerve.  years go by and you have to make like everything is great. people wonder “gee, why isnt he married?”  its all an act. would you dare let ’em see the REAL you?

sorry….just ranting at 12:30 am, on a lonely weekend morning. hang in there, kids, you may sometime discover yourself to be something beautiful.