it only gets worse

I feel as though I’m not suited for life. I can’t cope with everyday things, I become too stressed and can’t focus. I want things to remain on a steady keel, a steady pace, because I’m scared something will change and I’ll fall apart.

I overdosed when I was 16, I was severely depressed. I spent months in a psychiatric hospital, got better and moved on. But then when I started university, for some reason I can’t move on. The dark, swirling cloud is always looming behind me, ready to strike when I’m least ready for it.

Last week was awful, financial difficulties, uni difficulties – I wanted to run away and disappear. Thankfully that got sorted out, but today I was too tired to go to a lecture. I tried to go to an afternoon lecture but couldn’t find the room and gave up so easily. Too easily. I came back and slept for most of the afternoon. My mum called me and my best friend texted me. I had a meal and felt okay. Then of course I get a text with some stressful news – rent is overdue. I’ve explained, but I hate this limbo I’m in.

Things have gotten better. But why is it so hard to see that things can get better when life becomes too tough?

I don’t want that dark cloud to win. To have a menacing grin on its face the moment I give up for good. But it’s so hard sometimes. I want to blow the cobwebs away and have a fresh start. But there’s no such thing. I can only wait, only hope, that things will get better again.