Just had to get it out…

So in my life I’ve noticed these cycles. Where things are good and then they get bad. I realize that’s normal and everybody is going to have their ups and downs. It just that it seems like mine keep getting shorter. As in the good periods get shorter while the bad seems to get longer and worse than the last. And now it seems like the only thing keeping me together is looking up and reading on different varieties of suicide. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane, or at least that’s what it feels like. When I look into what the future holds, it’s not pretty and frankly I don’t want to do it. I just don’t know if I can. I don’t feel strong enough. My family see’s me as a fuck up and I’m beginning to think they’re right. At night I lay in bed thinking “how can I not be? I’ve done everything wrong and it seems like nothing right” When I look at my family I feel such a deep feeling of pain and I feel so bad for putting them through so much, when I know they don’t deserve it. I feel like just ending it all would be so much easier on them. But I’d never have the guts to do anything about it. I’m just stuck here, praying everyday that by some miracle something like a horrific car accident or mugging gone wrong, would take me away.