let’s do it

I have always been feeling horribly lonely, and I have always pretended that i enjoy being alone! But this time, in a nutshell, someone breaks my heart. Briefly, I am good enough to serve her, but not enough to love her. But I do love her, no one understands how much I love her. I do not blame her for breaking my heart, honestly I am still in love with her and thinking about her and promising her I will keep serving her but not loving her.  Pathetic liar, right ? Yes, I am a fucking pathetic, useless, piece of shit loser who do not even deserve being alive in this world. And also, I hate this world. I hate god. I was raised in an atheist family, I actually have no god, and have never felt one. I used to search for a god to believe in, but I failed to be sure which fucking god I should go after, there are so many of them. I am still clueless of which god to blame, I blame them all. I hate this world, I hate myself, and I am always in pain. I need to kill myself so that I can end my pain, and also I could find out which god is responsible for my misery, because he will come to judge me after I kill myself. However, who and why would anyone care about god’s judgment anyway.

The reason that I am still alive is not because that I am afraid of death. I long for being dead,  I want to kill myself. However, two things have prevented me from doing it for long, which I believe also prevent others from doing it.  The first is that I really do not want to make a fuss about my unexpected death. I do not want to upset, shock, scare or perhaps amuse my parents, colleagues and whoever are going to make a dramatic fuss about it.  Making a fuss is disgusting, I hate to have that happen. But I know it is probably going to happen, because people are retarded sheep, and also snobbish and hypocritical (it is always necessary to point out this for one who is going to kill himself). Why can’t they just leave me alone, I am not killing you!  The second thing is that I have failed to find a convenient interface or platform to do the job of killing of myself. Although I do have some personal advantage for effectively committing suicide because I am currently doing my fucking phd in a chemistry lab, I still find it very inconvenient. I do not want pain while killing myself, I do not know which and how much chemicals would do the job properly, stupid for being a chemist, right? And also, I do not want other people bother to remove my dead body, I do not want anyone touch it!!  But also I do not want to kill myself in a park, I do not want to walk that far to a park. I want to have something very convenient to kill myself. I’d like someone to hand me a bottle of sleeping pills, and I will swallow all of them and die quietly. Or someone could just shoot me on the train while I am going to school. Or I want to have someone piss me off by saying that I dare not commit suicide, then I would prove him wrong.  I always have the impulse of killing myself, but every time the impulse came, there was just no a convenient interface available between me and my death. I am so sick of myself. I am so sick of even typing these words here. I have impulse right now, but I am at home and I do not want to scare my landlord. Please, give me some workable ideas, so I can do it as soon as possible.