I just can’t get this feeling that I need to tell someone everything… For me, this is as close as I’ll ever get… I’m sorry if it takes a little while to explain everything, but this is also me trying to sort everything out as well as tell.
I’m trapped in my own head… I have three different “me”s inside my mind, all yelling and screaming and fighting to get out. Every day I have to face it–how can I not, when it’s myself that’s turned against me? And every day I’m drifting farther and farther from sanity, safety, and all my loved ones, because I can’t control it.
There’s me. Weak little me, the one who always runs and hides whenever anything happens because I can’t handle it at all. The one who would still be practically insane even if the other two inside my head weren’t there, because I can never tell reality from imaginary or wakefulness from sleep, and even in my dreams I can’t tell the difference. The one who cuts to momentarily forget about the other pain, the kind that can’t be stopped because you can’t kiss it and put a band-aid on it and it won’t get better eventually… and even if it did, it would take more time and help than I have available to me.
There’s Lore, who came about from my want to hurt all the people who hurt me. She scared me at first, when I realized that there was another me. She was strong and willful, outgoing and ready to fight. Everything I wasn’t and still am not. She and I came to an understanding after a while; though we are technically the same person we have different mental identities and feelings, as well as perspectives. That’s why she chose her own name and dubbed herself “the body guard” of my mind.
Then there is Fear. I am terrified of her. She’s everything I was ever scared of enough to lash out and then run away, as well as every paranoia and suspicious thought I’ve ever had, magnified by a lifetime’s worth of overactive dark imagination. She’s the newest of us… and the strongest. Because of her–though in actuality, me–I almost killed someone. I’m scared of her… and I’m scared of myself. I keep forgetting things every time she manages to… well, “take over”. I don’t remember what she/I say(s). All I know is that I’ll feel panicked, pressured, and trapped even if the situation is relaxed. She wants something, but I don’t know what it is. She’s not like Lore. I can’t “talk” to her, I can’t even control her. All I can do is stress and wait for the feeling to come back that signals when she’s about to break through.
I live in that fear, though I manage to hide it behind an idiot’s mask. But that mask is breaking quickly. I can;t handle much more of this, the suspense of waiting for another breakdown, another “episode”. Everything is closing in around me… someone I love very much left me, though we are “still friends” (but it’s all I can have with him, so I’ll take it and hold tight). My other friends and I are drifting because I don’t want to hurt them with my problems. They always manage to make me say something about it, and I hate how they become worried when they all have their own problems to deal with. I am a burden… even to my sports team, I was never able to participate the way the others did. My “all” wasn’t anywhere near theirs, and still isn’t. Coach understands, somewhat, but I can’t forget disappointment and disdain when I see it on my teammate’s faces, even if they don’t truly mean it.
Every lie I’ve ever told to protect those around me–as well as me–is about to become the trap that leads to my death. I have no escape; they will find out, and I will never be the same when that happens. “They” are my teachers, friends, teammates, and family. My teachers can’t know. I’m already slipping… I can’t handle the social interaction, or the work level that I used to. I know everyone is disappointed in me. They “know I can do better”. Well, I can’t. I want to… so badly… but I can’t. I may sound like a quitter… but I have nothing left. Sometimes I think an alternative school would have been better, but there has to be a reason for me to go there, but… My parents didn’t believe me when I told them… wonder if they will when they get a call from the mental ward in the hospital…
Added to that, I have depression that makes it practically impossible to deal with any of this. I can’t even cry anymore. I’m stuck with being an emotionless, emotional wreck. I am a contradiction and a failure at that, too. Like everything else.
I know my problems–they are many, and this only covers the most pressing one right now–are nothing compared to some of you… and I feel bad for being nothing but a burden here, too. But I have nothing… nowhere else I can turn to for help.
I need to know how to kill myself quickly. Quietly and painlessly would also be preferred, but no one can have everything. I’ll do anything to die right now. I know that some people will think it a sin, a crime, a horrible loss… but even in the future, which might be better… I’d rather be dead. And if God does exist… then maybe I can work on being a better spirit-child of his (or whatever we are to him) while I’m dead. I think that would be better than failing to overcome the challenges in this life.