now that i’ve said “i know the feeling” more times than i can count…i thought i’d share my story.
i originally stumbled across this site because i was tired of trying to make sense of life and like so many others, came here looking for advice on what to do. after reading through some of the stories, i realized i wasn’t alone. so many other people were feeling the same as i was. i wasn’t alone.
my grandmother died on grandparents day when i was younger, which i took very hard. at the time, i was the only grandchild. for so long, whenever she was sick, my family would say “you know, she pulled through this time because you were there” but in the end, i wasn’t there. at one point, drs told us there was no hope and gave her, her last rights. she said she pulled through because she knew i was there. i blamed myself so begging my mom to let me come home early that summer…i blamed myself for sneaking outside to hang out with my friends on the day that she called to say her goodbyes. i blamed myself for a lot of things. my parents put me in counseling afterwards. which i think did more damage that good. from then on, i really couldn’t get myself out of the giant hole i was slowly sinking into to.
in school, i purposely started fights when people got too close. i didnt want anyone to be close enough to me to hurt me…or vice versa. in HS, i was a total *****. i had some great friends and was the resident counselor, but to others, i was an ass. i talked crap about people, i lied to people, i turned groups of people against certain people. i was a jerk. some part of me really did want to be good though…some people really did get the real me. the good friend. the positive influence. but when they saw how completely opposite i could be, they lost trust in me. i left school my senior year…for no reason other than to sabotage myself. i really had no plans of making it to 21. so i told myself “this doesn’t matter…i wont be around anyway.” i fought with my mother all the time, who raised me as a single parent. my dad was an alcoholic at the time, so of course my mother was overly cautious of me and always accused me of sneaking alcohol with my HS friends. she was never good at expressing her emotions so our fights resulted in big blowouts. looking back, id have to say she was mentally and emotionally abusive, but she refuses to acknowledge that.
skipping ahead…a few months before my 21st bday, i started making plans for my exit. i planned everything. i even wrote a note to god that he either needed to help me or let me go…because i felt like i honestly tried. and a few weeks after my 21st bday, i attempted. i wanted to be sure it’d work, i tried several things at once…for whatever reason, i made it through it. which actually sucked for a day as i spent the day in the hospital and went in debt because insurance doesn’t cover suicide attempts.
from 21 to 27, i struggled with depression. i found outlets in friends. in helping people. in photography and music. as much as i knew things could get better, it only took little things to throw me into a downward spiral again. i felt like i was constantly waiting for a trigger…something to push me over the edge. i found many unhealthy outlets as well…i have many scars as a result. at some point, i changed from wanting to kill myself to pleading with god to just let me go…i was a little more reckless in life. id drive to work hoping a truck would lose its trailer and end it all for me. i certainly wasn’t afraid of death. at 27, i became friends with a woman who had a teenage daughter who sounded like she was headed down my path. i instantly became close with her…counseling her on her daughters issues. i felt like if i could help her to not be like my mother, maybe she’d spare her daughter the crap i went through. after almost 3 years of friendship that was as close as family, she let her negative outlook take over and blindsided me with some excuses and ended the friendship. at the same time, my aunt went into the hospital, my uncles car exploded with his wife inside (she made it out but very very badly burned), i was flying off the handle for no reason…my natural instinct was to start planning a way out again. but a couple weeks later, just after his 29th bday, my cousin killed himself.
It was only then that i realized what i was doing…eventhough i understood everything that brought him to that place, i couldnt get over the fact that i just lost someone that i didnt even realize was hurting. i felt like he again succeeded where i failed…but even being the one person who really did understand and sympathize, i still couldn’t get over the pain of losing him. i felt like i should have been calling him more. emailing him. i should have let him know how much i cared that he was there. i should have been telling him that it gets better. and thats when i realized that eventhough i had stupid crap going on at various times, it always got better…i wish it didnt take that tragic reminder to snap me out of my thoughts. to save me from myself.
i know we all have our things…but it gets better. you’re not alone in your pain. other people have been there…its just not openly talked about. for those of you who think you won’t hurt anyone when you go, please reconsider. even with my own thoughts on suicide and my own attempts, i was still devastated when my cousin killed himself. ill never get over that. for those of you who are looking for advice on methods, i beg you to continue reading through the stories on here. find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that it gets better. maybe you don’t think that your story will help someone else, but i know reading the stories on here helped me when i was down…people just want to know that they belong. that they aren’t alone. share your story. it may be the one that saves someones life.
sorry for rambling. thank you for allowing me to share my story…