no hope to look for

it all started when my cousin ruined my rep in grade 8. everyone turned against me and took atvantage of me that i was nice. on graduation day not even a single person talked me and said that they will miss me n stuff. i didn’t take it to seriously. my family moved up north, and alot further from where i used to live. in grade nine it was a rough patch for me because i didn’t know any one. i almost became goth. then in grade 10, to express my feelings to let go of some stress, i wrote in a diary. i wrote about how much i hate the little things my parents nagg aboout and make such a big deal out of it, and i threw in a couple of swearing words. i suspected that my mom was stealing and my dad had an affair but it was all a misunderstanding. i wrote about a guy who i met over the summer who i fell in love with. i wrote about everything that pissed my off. life was great until my parents read it. while i was at work, then took down all the family pictures in my room, my straightner, make up and anything i basically used to make my self look dressed good. they yelled and screamed and said alot of hurtfull things. i don’t blame them but i did do the same. yet i remeber clearly that at the end of each page that i wrote “i know i am am writing this now but i really don’t mean this, i love my parents no matter what”. the said to me “we wish u were dead”. they said they didn’t want me talking to that boy(who is 2 years older and lives in england…he was only here for the summer and we eamiled eachother) or else they would kick me out. i stopped talking to him but somehow we just starting emailing all over again. His aunt found out about us, and somehow told my aunt. then my aunt told my dad and randomly my dad asks me to log on to my emails. i refused a couple of times then his temper went high so i logged on and ran to the bathroom crying. he forward all my emails from my boyfriend to his account. from then i haven’t talked to my boyfriend since. the next day my dad said he talked to my uncle in england to find out about my boyfriend and talk about our marriage…im only 16. my dad said that after i get married, i would be dead for this family, so i ran away from home attempting to kill myself. i had no support from my friends because they all stopped talking to me and turned their backs against me… they didn’t show a sign that they cares when i went missing. thats when i realized i don’t have real friends. when the cops found me my parents were upset and ready to forgive me. so everything was good. not really. i had a sleepover at my cousins, and he tried raping me… im scarred for life im ashamed that he related to me. my parents were on my side and our relation got stronger. i knew as a daughter’s perspective that my parents did not forgiive the fct of what i did to them. soon i became busy with grade 11 and i barely had tim eto do chores and stuff so i turned to my younger sister, who told me off of the wrongs that i have done to “her” parents and doesnt hae any respect for. we still don’t talk. everyday after school i lock myslef in my room ….. i cry. i have no friends.. no real friends they all are fake….no sister by my side.. no parents to turn to. when i sort of let go of the house chores, my parents starting making a big deal out of it and started to bring up the past wrongs i have done and that i will never change. since grade 10, my dad has no trust of me, my mom doesn’t love me… she always gives me dirty looks. my dad holds a grudge. now im in grade 12 and im not doing so well in school, because of small issues in my house that become so big. i tried fixing my mistakes; i started boding with my sister but she just doesn’t want to, i tried bondng with my mom and that went no where. i do all the house chores. when i dont get time, its all about how im a sinner and i will never be forggiven again. i go to a school with a mojority of white population. im indian. indian girls are restricted to do almost anything. we can’t go out. we can’t have boyfrinds, we can’t talk to boys? its very easy to lose our reputation than boys. we suffer. everyday i have to hear my mom nagging about ‘back in the day when i was a girl’. when i feel like i do my reposiblities and i do i right… its apparently not enough… when i don’t filul my duties in the house.. i apparently never do nothing. what should i do… im sick of trying to fix things and suck up the pain. i hate lying and sucking up. i can’t take this pain any more. i know this whole story might not make any sense but i just created this account 5 minutes ago hoping for an answer. i want to end my life in a way that i don’t feel pain, because i am going through enough. i have big dreams but i begining to give up. i tried cutting myself, tyonel and sleeping pills overdose. and nothing worked. any one have any full proof idea of a way i can kill myself without drowning or pain? i don’t want to suffer any pain anymore. i can’t fix up my mistakes so ….. I QUIT.