I only get about 20% of what I want.Â I work hard inÂ so many things. Â It has been this way for years.Â I just live with it until now.Â It has been bothering me. I have been struggling with these thoughts for a while now. I have become a great actress. My husband is clueless on my feelings. My friends and coworkers samething. I have mastered such an art about crying and screaming through the day. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I was crying at the table. I was talking to my family and the tears just started going down my face and no one noticed. I have spoken to my husband about my feelings and he complains about money. He laughs at suggestions I may have. So I just do not say anything to him anymore. My parents are clueless as well. I tried to talk to my mom a few times and I get well with a story and then topic changes. I have tried to call some of my friends about the situation but they have their own life to deal with and I know they cannot comprehend how I feel.
I guess I should state the reason I feel this way. I seem to be a very smart person, but truth be told I am a fat, not so smart, and sad all the time person. No one is aware of this. When you are a former model and you reach 200 plus pounds doesnâ€™t feel that great (yes I have tried everything its genetic). I have a masters degree but I have a hard time seeing what others see in the workplace (doesnâ€™t work well with promotions). The main reason I am sad is my husband and I want another child. I have had two failed IVF. To get to the level of IVF you put your body through some serious crap and that goes on for years. I was recently told I have poor egg quality. That is the kiss of death in fertality. They cannot use my eggs to have a child. When you pay a doctor over 45 grand and they do not want to take anymore money you know it is the truth. So in short my husband and I want more children, but I cannot have them, unless I do donor egg. I am not real crazy about that idea. So lately I cry everywhere I go and no one notices. I cry in the car, in the bathroom at work, while my husband is sleeping, while it looks like I am laughing, watching movies, playing with my kids, and no one notices. Last Thursday I sat at the end of the bed for three hours crying and thinking enough is enough. I thought of all the ways I could end it. It all came back to insurance for my family. Insurance doesnâ€™t pay if it is sucide. So being told you are old at 38 isnâ€™t something anyone is ready for. I am just trying to function day by day. I am aware if I do it, no one will care. Sure they will be upset for maybe a week, life will go on and things will get right back to normal. I want another child so bad. I pray and talk to God everyday. However, no anwser, signs, hints, or conclusions about this situation. I would really like to adopt, but I know my husband does not want that. I feel like an old, fat, useless woman, just going through the emotions day by day. The only reason I have not done anything is for my kids.
I handel close relationship by faking it. I am really good at it. My life is so messed up and no one knows it. I through a party for my husband birthday and was told it was so beutiful. No one knew as they were talking I was thinking about downing pills. I asked God for a coma, but no such luck.Â It seems the only time I am haping is when I am asleep. Â I could even have a breakdown and everyone would forget for a while and then it would be back to the same. Life isnâ€™t fun and many times I just pray that I will fall asleep and not wake up. Of course those are on the days I actually sleep. I am faking sleep as well. I told you I am a great actress.Â Maybe these feeling will go away.Â I have only been dealing with it since my 2009 miscarrage.