I only get about 20% of what I want. I work hard in so many things.  It has been this way for years. I just live with it until now. It has been bothering me. I have been struggling with these thoughts for a while now. I have become a great actress. My husband is clueless on my feelings. My friends and coworkers samething. I have mastered such an art about crying and screaming through the day. Thursday was Thanksgiving and I was crying at the table. I was talking to my family and the tears just started going down my face and no one noticed. I have spoken to my husband about my feelings and he complains about money. He laughs at suggestions I may have. So I just do not say anything to him anymore. My parents are clueless as well. I tried to talk to my mom a few times and I get well with a story and then topic changes. I have tried to call some of my friends about the situation but they have their own life to deal with and I know they cannot comprehend how I feel.
I guess I should state the reason I feel this way. I seem to be a very smart person, but truth be told I am a fat, not so smart, and sad all the time person. No one is aware of this. When you are a former model and you reach 200 plus pounds doesn’t feel that great (yes I have tried everything its genetic). I have a masters degree but I have a hard time seeing what others see in the workplace (doesn’t work well with promotions). The main reason I am sad is my husband and I want another child. I have had two failed IVF. To get to the level of IVF you put your body through some serious crap and that goes on for years. I was recently told I have poor egg quality. That is the kiss of death in fertality. They cannot use my eggs to have a child. When you pay a doctor over 45 grand and they do not want to take anymore money you know it is the truth. So in short my husband and I want more children, but I cannot have them, unless I do donor egg. I am not real crazy about that idea. So lately I cry everywhere I go and no one notices. I cry in the car, in the bathroom at work, while my husband is sleeping, while it looks like I am laughing, watching movies, playing with my kids, and no one notices. Last Thursday I sat at the end of the bed for three hours crying and thinking enough is enough. I thought of all the ways I could end it. It all came back to insurance for my family. Insurance doesn’t pay if it is sucide. So being told you are old at 38 isn’t something anyone is ready for. I am just trying to function day by day. I am aware if I do it, no one will care. Sure they will be upset for maybe a week, life will go on and things will get right back to normal. I want another child so bad. I pray and talk to God everyday. However, no anwser, signs, hints, or conclusions about this situation. I would really like to adopt, but I know my husband does not want that. I feel like an old, fat, useless woman, just going through the emotions day by day. The only reason I have not done anything is for my kids.
I handel close relationship by faking it. I am really good at it. My life is so messed up and no one knows it. I through a party for my husband birthday and was told it was so beutiful. No one knew as they were talking I was thinking about downing pills. I asked God for a coma, but no such luck. It seems the only time I am haping is when I am asleep.  I could even have a breakdown and everyone would forget for a while and then it would be back to the same. Life isn’t fun and many times I just pray that I will fall asleep and not wake up. Of course those are on the days I actually sleep. I am faking sleep as well. I told you I am a great actress. Maybe these feeling will go away. I have only been dealing with it since my 2009 miscarrage.