Over it!

ok so im not very good at explaining myself or opening up to people
im going to make that my first point. So being me anti social and of the sorts
whats better then to open up to a bunch of strangers that will never know who i
am(no offence), and get some opinions/advice that possibly could help.

so im alex, im 17, i am abit bigger for ppl my age but that doesnt phase me as far
as i say atleast.. not like many ppl point it out apart from my best friend.. and
i rly dont care.. its a hate hate friendship lol.. i lived a normal childhood,
u kno the usuall, the little mega ennoying sister thats soo ennoying makes me want to kill her
but as stupid as it sounds, i dont want to kill her because.. i want to kill my self, and if i
kill her and see her in an afterlife URGH dont even want to emagine it! thats how much i hate her.. the older brother always
picking on you but you still have the best friendship in the family >.<.. i never met my real dad but
that doesnt phase me either, nor does my step-dad that i grew up with till i was 10 tehn him ditching us
because he didnt want to see us anymore.. but meh

I started getting depressed when i was about 15.. started thinking of suicide but took as much peace as u can have out of suicide
in that i didnt have the guts to do it.. but the more you think about it the easier it becomes to do it… ive now reached a
point where i cant take it no more i hate being depressed and angry.. i dont know wat i care about anymore.. its either i NEED to get away from my piece of
shit family & peace of shit work.. and piece of shit everything.. or i just commit suicide which is just a option of
wat i just said before this..but i look foward to a few things in this very imperfect world like a gf and some kids eventually.
money and fun! freinds & fun is my number 1 priority in life.. now bout a month ago 1 week before my 17th i got busted for smoking weed and if your
going to say im an idiot for smoking shut the fuck up not interested in ur opinions… but a week after i got busted i had a 2 week holiday from work
those 2 weeks were going to be a life saver… literally.. so mum ruined my holidays i got from shit work… she forced me to stay with cousins 2 hours from all ym friends or im kicked out
while i was at my cousins i found my self very depressed and standing ontop of a tall building… not a great combination.. but friends being closest to
me i decided not to do the deed just yet and hold off till i say goodbye to my friends… so after the weeks of pretending i give a shit i get home
and i meet with my friends and it starts all over again.. ill miss them too much but i still want to kill my self.. this feeling is overwelmingly fucked!

so last night i had an argument with mum, being my fucking idiotic self i cant keep my mouth shut! i have to argue back and get the last word in god damn im soo fucking stupid… and
i now got a week to move out even tho i got nowhere to go.. i cant move out for a month untill my friend
comes down from cairns then we move out together and hopefully life starts shining (hopefully)…. i cant stay at friends.. i cant stay in the street
>.< life fucking sucks soo bad im rdy to walk into the city and jump off a building

in now face this delimma where i can choose to end my seemingly pointless life and nothing will matter after that apart from the pain i caused my friends..
fuck my family they can perish in a hole for all i care or i can try assorbing and botttling the pain and misery inside of me and hope that things get better… while feelin
mega shit?  URGH i wish i could go back in time soooooooo incredably much.. id change sooooo much   -  

 i dont get how earth has become this fucked up.. humans ahve got to be the worst evolved animal ever created!!