Peace

Peace

Peace I used to feel,
in my childhood bed,
surrounded by safety and love,
snuggled under the blanket.

Peace slipped away,
a father afraid of my mind,
a mother afraid of my pain,
a brother cruel and forever favoured.

Peace was swallowed up;
betrayal, mocking,
bullying, cruelty
– peace stood no chance.

Peace I longed for,
the peace of never feeling pain again,
never waking up again.
The peace of DEATH.

Peace came back to visit,
a therapist who understood,
a man who told me I was special,
two beautiful baby boys grown miraculously from my body,
and nourished with love on my breast.

Peace slipped away,
a husband’s cruel abuse,
relentless reality,
loneliness beyond words in a foreign country.

Peace was swallowed up,
abuse, duty,
rage, broken dreams,
a difficult child,
no way out, trapped in hell
– peace stood no chance.

Peace beckoned,
in the fantasy of suicide,
sweet, tempting, alluring,
the way out when there was no way out,
only in my head – seemingly harmless –
moments of perfect peace in a dream.

Like a worm, like a parasite, like a cancer, like a demon,
these dreams settled in my heart,
borrowed themselves deep into my mind,
grew long deep roots,
there – forever.
Driving out love,
driving out hope,
driving out my will to live,
no longer can be happy,
making me a slave forever
to the wish to die.

I have a – I WANT TO DIE – loving – I WANT TO DIE – husband and a nice – I WANT TO DIE – house and two handsome – I WANT TO DIE – sons, no reason really – I WANT TO DIE – to kill myself – I WANT TO DIE!!!

Screaming incessantly in my head!

Peace is easy,
a bottle of helium,
a large plastic bag,
a piece of tubing,
a few strings,
and a decision –
one deep breath.
Peace is easy – perfect, sweet, eternal peace.

Peace is exploding,
two teenage boys,
grappling with their mother’s suicide
were we not important enough
for mum to stay????

Peace is gone,
two teenage boys,
grief, anger, anguish, rage, despair, bottomless pain.
Desolate.
Will they too, in their time, dream about helium?

I CAN’T!

No peace for me – ever.