What happens to someone when you are not smart enough to earn sufficient money to not worry about it, but not pretty enough to secure a good marriage and too old to have any hope?
You end up like me…40 and alone.
I have a small child that in hindsight, I should have given up for adoption because the train-wreck of a life she has will take years of therapy to recover.Â She only loves me because she has no one else.Â She has no grandparents that have any interest in her and her Dad could care less.Â All she has is me.
The problem is, her mother doesn’t want to live anymore…her mother has no hope. Her mother can barely get enough strength to get out of bed and can no longer function.Â I go to work each day only because she would go hungry if I didn’t.
I would end things tomorrow, if I knew it woudn’t hurt HER…because no one else would care if I was here or not.
I ask friends to dinner, they always come up with a reason not to go.Â They always think enough to send me a wedding invitation because they know I send nice gifts, but the last two times I have sent people gifts, I never got so much as a thank-you note, e-mail or phone call to even acknowledge the gift….and these people know that it was a stretch to my budget to send what I did.
People, really do fall through the cracks in life.Â I am a walking example of them.Â I am educated, I haveÂ a good job, it just doesn’t pay enough to raise a child on…I have been told I am funny and attractive, I am not overweight or have bad manners.Â People will tell you that I will be the first to help someone…all they have to do is ask.
One of these days, I know, I am not going to have the energy nor the will to go on any more and the only person that will truly be devastated is my daughter.Â
That is the only thing that hurts me…is how all of this will affect her…but I have got to where cleaning house, eating, showering and getting dressed, is a nightmare because I don’t see the point in any of it.