What happens to someone when you are not smart enough to earn sufficient money to not worry about it, but not pretty enough to secure a good marriage and too old to have any hope?
You end up like me…40 and alone.
I have a small child that in hindsight, I should have given up for adoption because the train-wreck of a life she has will take years of therapy to recover. She only loves me because she has no one else. She has no grandparents that have any interest in her and her Dad could care less. All she has is me.
The problem is, her mother doesn’t want to live anymore…her mother has no hope. Her mother can barely get enough strength to get out of bed and can no longer function. I go to work each day only because she would go hungry if I didn’t.
I would end things tomorrow, if I knew it woudn’t hurt HER…because no one else would care if I was here or not.
I ask friends to dinner, they always come up with a reason not to go. They always think enough to send me a wedding invitation because they know I send nice gifts, but the last two times I have sent people gifts, I never got so much as a thank-you note, e-mail or phone call to even acknowledge the gift….and these people know that it was a stretch to my budget to send what I did.
People, really do fall through the cracks in life. I am a walking example of them. I am educated, I have a good job, it just doesn’t pay enough to raise a child on…I have been told I am funny and attractive, I am not overweight or have bad manners. People will tell you that I will be the first to help someone…all they have to do is ask.
One of these days, I know, I am not going to have the energy nor the will to go on any more and the only person that will truly be devastated is my daughter.Â
That is the only thing that hurts me…is how all of this will affect her…but I have got to where cleaning house, eating, showering and getting dressed, is a nightmare because I don’t see the point in any of it.
6 comments
I care… I have been there. I can help. email me.
mrslindseylambert@gmail.com
Hello, My mother is a single mother as well. I have no father and he could care less as well. My father only talks to me if he gets something out of it…Or court orders him too. And my mother Is 38 though. I am a 16 year old that tried to find myself built into my mother. She is my everything, She shows me the world. And she is a great mother. She is my care giver, Show your daughter that you are strong, show her the world in your arms. Because if i didnt have my mother i sure in hell wouldnt know what to do at all. My mother is my hero! So stay on the earth for her…She has my brother and i and my baby sister as well. She is my everything. I DO HAVE FAITH IN YOU!!!
I think the post above me is ignorant of your own feelings; if you’re living for someone else, you’re not really living at all, and I understand that.
I believe that if people want to commit suicide then people do not have the right to tell them not to, but your story completely breaks my heart because it makes me think of my own Mum, who I love very much.
When you say, ‘She only loves me because she has no one else’, I think you’re being unfair on yourself. Love it totally conditional it whatever circumstance, so she clearly loves you because she LOVES YOU TRULY. If this is your reason for still being alive and you are having doubts about dying because of it, then maybe you should seek some help to try and hold on to this and hopefully grow stronger out of it. See your doctor, maybe, if you haven’t already?
It’s my personal opinion that some people are beyond help, and I am one of those people. But your own love for your daughter seems very strong so perhaps you should look for another way out of the way you feel, rather than suicide.
I am sincerely sorry if this isn’t helpful. I don’t normally write messages telling people to live. But I just want you to be better because I know how it feels… and it hurts.
I say try something new everyday? Make life a little more interesting for yourself.
I mean, you’ve come this far with this pain and hurt, why stop now? Obviously you show potential. Obviously you’re strong enough to have gone on this long.
Whatever decision you make, is yours.
All I can say is best of wishes to you and your daughter. You’re the world to her, remember that. Let her be the world to you. Let her be worth it. Don’t give up just yet.
Also, don’t send gifts if it’s out of your expense. I would be angry too if I didn’t get so much as a thank you. So if you don’t get that, don’t get them anything.
They should understand (if they are your friends, they will understand) if you’re going through troubles.
Crap. I’m rambling again.
Good luck, vagirl2010!!
think of it as a life changing moment you might die but in my thoughts i believe life continues do you really wanna jump into a new hellish life one with out you with out your child or any other happy scene to you. lifes here eternaly or untill a big finish but untill or forever your (well i don know) still alive so think about the aspects of death not just the point
I damn near fell apart reading your message, because I completely understand. I now have 2 babies and no home. No family, no safety net. Blah blah blah.
Are you still alive???