Suicide is not how I want to die!

It really sucks when you make one wrong decison and you life takes a dramatic turn. I found out the hard way that dating in 4th grade can cause alot of emotional pain. At the time when I saw him cheating on me with TWO other girls it just ruined my life. I mean was I that useless or ugly that you had to cheat on me with two other girls? Guess so. And that is exactly how my life was ruined. I used to be a happy go lucky girl everyday! Even in my dreams! And now I prefer to be a loner, I hate socializing, I am shy, I keep my feeling’s bottled up, Self-esteem hit rock bottom, I always feel like everyone is watching me and making fun of me, just because I went dated an idiot in 4th grade! I mean we rarely talked or got to know each other, so why am I in so much pain?

I stray away from boys, and if I do talk to them I keep my distance and make sure they don’t learn much about me. Everytime I decide that I really like a guy, something goes wrong. One time me and a guy admitted our feeling’s for each other and I could feel my old happy go lucky self starting to break free until we stopped talking two days later and he was dating other girls. Almost everyday my conscious is telling me to just kill myself, that no one will care, that they’ll move on with their life and be happier. and you know what? I’m starting to believe it. Many of times I have tried cutting myself, but I was too afraid to feel anymore pain. Recently I was left home alone for atleast 20minutes and I didn’t really relize it until atleast 10minutes later. I got a knife out of my purse and tried to stab myself in the stomach, but I broke down crying and put the knife under my bed. I’m always happy around my friends, because I don’t want them to worry about me or stay away from me.

I just wish I had someone to talk to about this and not do this on the internet :'(