Am I going insane or has it happened already? I wonder why I thought there would be some indication as to whether I could say I was sane or not? I have the feeling that asking myself such a question is useless, because sanity is socially constructed.
Years ago I had this problem: I would wake up every morning and immediately regret it. My first thought was that I should be dead, that my life was going nowhere and I was a piece of s**t. This went on for a year before I decided to get help in the form of Zoloft and therapy. The Zoloft was OK, the therapy was better.
I find myself falling into the same trap, now, 3 years later. I think about death more frequently. But I visit my family for the holiday and I’m thrown into conflict. How could I do such a thing to them? But I still feel miserable and the thought doesn’t leave my mind.
I don’t often want to see the future. The world is full of pain and suffering. My pain and suffering is insignificant in comparison, but how can I justify my relatively comfortable life when so many have nothing? How can I keep on living through all the heartbreak? Not to mention that my friends seem to have turned their backs on me and I don’t seem to be getting any wiser, just older.
I probably won’t kill myself, though. I’ve thought about it since I was 13 but never attempted. I feel like a shadow passing through a dark room. Life is miserable more than it’s good, and I have very few people to talk to any more.