its funny how everything has come crumbling down in a day. I’ve always being suicidal, but i’ve never had the guts to do it coz of my family, but only to realise that everyone who i care about are gone and the rest wudnt give a fuck if i live or die. Am an orphan, spent all my life struggling, getting through school by winning scholarships, working odd jobs here and there. When i finished high school, i got a scholarship into med school. I thought everything was going well coz i cud do the one thing i was passionate about. Am now in my 3rd year, i got my results only to find i hav i failed a course, thus i hav lost my scholarship. I’ve tried looking for a job with no luck, my rent is due on friday and i hav no where to go. Am just so tired of fighting, all my life thats all i’ve done, stay afloat, but now its time to end it. When pipo look at me, they c this young, smart lady not knowing the nites i’ve gone hungry, slept at bus stations, cut myself in an effort to numb the pain of being alone in the world.
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You know, I’ve never gone through circumstancial things like you have. I’ve never gone hungry or homeless and I’ve never been an orphan. I can still certainly understand the concept of wanting to give up because you’re tired of fighting. I fight the battle everyday and I always think about whether I’ll be here in a month or not. I’ve been very close to leaving, lately. If I had to deal with being homeless or on my own as you are, I wouldn’t even attempt to make it work. I would just leave. I tip my off to yeh for trying to make it work.
Yeah, you’re tired of fighting though, right? When are you finally going to get a break where you no longer have to struggle through life? Even if you KNEW that things would be better in say, 3 years, is it still worth it to go through hell up to that point? I think about that everyday. Not to mention that there are no guarantees that things will actually get better. What to do?
the whole ‘its gona be fine’ in 3 or 5 years doesn’t work, even if it did, i dont think i wud be happy coz i will never belong, i will look around wen am at a party and think, wats the fucking point of it all. But before i do pass to the underworld, i wana hav fun and break as many commandments, after all, i am going to hell. That will give me time to think of a dramatic end.
You’re already in hell, virgo, if you’re alone in the world. I know what that’s like, and no, for most people–there are some magical exceptions–it doesn’t get better after college, etc. etc. People will always look at a) where you grew up/your family, b) if you’re successful, and c) shallow crap like where you went to college. Not getting your scholarship because you failed a course is BRUTAL. I lost a scholarship too because I had to withdraw on a medical leave. Due to depression and anxiety.
I know what you mean about just being tired of fighting. I’m done too–I have no more energy left for this world. Am all “tried” out.
Pick your self up so you lost your scholarship. SO WHAT DO some other shit.
@nointerest, thanks for understanding how it feels like wen life spits u in the face, when u feel like your heart isnt there anymore