i will be completing my journey on this earth in a few days.Â a lonely world this is.Â and cruel, unrelenting.Â i’m doing everything i can to comfort myself as the time (for death) draws near.Â there is no comfort in others, as i naively thought at first.Â i envy those who have been able to find a companion during such a time.Â my “problems” are viewed as trivial, as fixable, as insufficient for self-destruction.Â but they are in fact, my plight and no one else’s.Â the propensity for others to judge an individual’s circumstances, proclaiming how they’d handle it differently has always baffled me.Â because never do those same people, put themselves in your shoes, full immersion into your skin.Â they don’t do it but they have the strongest opinions about what it is like to be you.
i had many visions for my life.Â now they all flash before my eyes, from my earliest childhood dreams of what i would be like as an adult.Â i spent hours longing for adulthood, expecting freedom, love, as if i would sprout wings and be unstoppable.Â i have to laugh at what a complete lie that was.Â i’m not sure if i told that lie to myself or if it was fed to me.Â likely a combination of both.Â i have no friends.Â your true friends are the ones who are sitting with you as you fall apart.Â there will always be a million excuses as to why they don’t.Â but there are no exceptions, for those who are truly exceptional beings.Â most of what people call friendship is selfishly motivated.Â and then there’s family.Â home, the place we should all be able to return to with warmth awaiting.Â the worst cruelty, is for home to exist, but to not be able to seek refuge there in dire times.Â i envy those who have no such place at all, at least it is the undeniable truth.Â in this case, my case, it is like looking through dirty glass at a place you’re supposed to belong and be embraced for who you are.Â so you try to pry the dirty window open, you try to clean the glass but it only spreads the muck around.Â you knock and scream but your “family’ cannot hear you.Â they can’t, or they don’t want to.
i can’t decide what i want death to be.Â do i want to greet an actual place, or do i want nothingness.Â who, or what, is god?Â where is god now?Â why is god allowing me to lose everything?Â s/he must want me to kill myself.Â everything has, after all, led to this moment.Â i can trace back so many steps, that go years back.Â retracing of decisions that sealed my fate.Â was it ever really up to me in the first place?Â i look back and i think not.Â why is it that as a child, and early adulthood, i could never envision myself as an old woman?Â in my fantasies, sure i could see dozens of scenarios.Â but in the realm of reality, of attainable goals, i never saw myself past age 30.Â what is that?Â manifest destiny?Â to have such thoughts about one’s own future, does it unconsciously mold one’s life decisions?
god has guided me in so many ways that i do not question in any way.Â god being within me.Â it is my opinion that god is not tangible, not a human being, not a spirit.Â god is just existing.Â god is my heartbeat and the tingle of my skin as my body wakes from slumber every morning.Â i choose to extinguish that skin casing, but if god is indeed real, that which tingles doesn’t need a shell.Â i have felt increasingly trapped as years have gone by.Â my eyes opened to such a degree that i look at people and i see their insides.Â and the things that come out of their mouths, don’t match what i see.Â but of course it’s improper to make these observations known.Â i have been condemned for doing just that.Â because the more god has allowed me to see, the less i can play my part, say my lines, the show cannot go on.Â humanity has broken me down and broken my heart so many times; i don’t even feel hostility.Â i feel disappointed and abandoned.
the strength that it takes to commit to completing suicide makes me wonder.Â how could we be created only to be too sensitive to sustain this world?Â how could we be created only to be terribly alone and misunderstood?Â even if i chose to live, i’d want nothing more to do with the world.Â it has already won.Â i envy those of you able to conquer it.